Cancer-- and my changed perception of the future

The question came up during Jenni's and my "morning time" that we do every day. We spend about 45 min. every morning talking, she has a diet soda and I drink hot tea, and we talk and plan and just enjoy each other. It is a great way to start the day and we have done it for years. This morning she stopped and ask me a very interesting question, "when you think about our future do you vision us in our 70 and 80's?" I thought about it for a moment and I had to say no. My future, as I think about it now only extends to about 60 or 65. About 10 years out.

I use to think about myself being older. I would be working at church with very healthy older men in their 70 and 80's and I would picture myself being just like them. Older but still strong and full of life. I knew that something might happen to prevent that but it would be quickly dismissed and the vision of the healthy, strong and active older man came rushing back in.

Then the multiple myeloma came into my life. No cure for this cancer. Most agree that 10 to 15 years, at this point, would be a good run and be a success. I can think about me older, but it is kinda like the flip side of my previous thought. It comes into my mind and is quickly dismissed and I'm back thinking about me and my cancer. Now to be fair there are oncologists that are saying that they have created cures, most notably the Arkansas team. They claim a high degree of success. I have looked hard at it and have met many Arkansas patients on blogs doing that treatment. ALL are very sick now and have been for quite some time. Some are not doing well at all, so #'s aside and looking at real patients, I just do see it, sorry Nick!

I have really researched my options and I like the minimal chemo path adding to what I'm doing now. I trust my Oncologist both locally and at UCSF. I'm not looking for a long life just a good life. I heard a Christian speaker at our church and his point was that God knows the date and time that he will call me home. I truly believe that so I trust I won't be late for it, so I can stop worrying about that.... So why try? Well, again it is about the quality of life I live.

Now back to my perception of the future. I think it changed within a few min. of hearing the diagnosis. My life compressed into those 10 years. That is how I think and I guess it is probably normal for cancer patients. Jenni asked why she didn't think of us together that way? She still sees us at 70 and 80 doing what older people do. The only answer I had for her is that she doesn't have cancer. I'm still very healthy, active and with a few exceptions, normal! So I would expect her to see things the way it has always been. That dark cloud of cancer isn't moving about her all day, and I like it that way!

As I went through my day the big question in my mind was just how the revelation of how I now see my future affects me? I can honestly say not much. It doesn't depress me, or upset me or even make me sad. It just is..... I have a great life now, a great wife, kids, grandkids and a fantastic extended family. I'm 53 years old and expect to be around to see 60. I feel really blessed each day, and that is the other side of the coin. Cancer has allowed me to see the blessings and the good things in my life a lot clearer. I think I will stick to that part of all this. To keep looking at the positive each day and let the future work itself out.

The body is sick, but thanks to Jesus the soul is alive and well...

Life is normal - As normal as it can be with cancer.

It has been awhile since I blogged. The reason is basically that nothing is really happening. I feel good most of the time. My Peripheral neuropathy is always there, but some days are better than others. We went on a Disney Cruise last week, Jenni and I had a great time, I had one really bad day with my legs. It happened to be the day at sea so I just chilled and took it easy. Jenni was a real trooper and made sure I took it easy. A very understanding wife is worth her weight in gold and my wife is worth a fortune.

Nothing new on the cancer front. I don't get tested again until March so I will have to wait and see what the numbers look like then. I still think they will be low as I have no new symptoms.

On the Peripheral neuropathy front, my Oncologist seems to think that it is possible that it is caused by a vitamin B-12 problem. Still all wrapped up in the Multiple Myeloma but it could be fixed in the short run. He has me on mega doses of B-12 via pills. I never thought I would be on prenatal vitamins but here I am. I can't see any difference so if there isn't I will have to take B-12 shots. No problem if it will fix the Peripheral neuropathy.

I'm reading a book on the history of cancer treatment called "The Emperor of All Maladies". A hard, technical read but a good read. A poet with cancer made reference to how he feels, and it describes how I feel very well. He said, paraphrased to keep it brief, is that "cancer is always reflected endlessly back at me like a hall of mirrors". It's true, I now see the world in this cancer mirror. I eat with cancer in mind, I exercise with cancer in mind, I wake up with cancer in mind and I go to sleep with cancer in mind. The mirror never really lets me just look out through the glass, to the world I use to know.

So, all in all, I feel great and I'm really doing very well. Not too much more exciting than that, and I like it that way! I'm still upbeat and enjoying my life, day by day. I will try to blog more in the future.

The body is sick, but thanks to Jesus the soul is alive and well...

Being Strong.. a new perspective

I have wrote here before about being strong. About fighting the good fight. About not letting this cancer beat me. I'm going to stay in control of it. Not the other way around. I truly believe that... However... I had 2 blog friends go to be with the Lord this week. Karyn and Hamada, people I have never met, but I have come to love and care about almost on a daily basis.

Karyn lived in Texas and Hamada lived in the United Kingdom. Both fought this cancer with all they had and so did their family.

It would be very easy to go through my list of blog friends and hit the delete button so I wouldn't have to deal with the "real Life" of this cancer. I could just do my thing and be strong and brave and be all into myself and my fight. But that isn't a strong thing to do. See; these are real people, just like me, and these are real family members, just like my family. This cancer isn't just something that is happening in my small world. I pray I never forget that! I need to keep these people in my thoughts and prayers each and every day. Knowing that those thoughts and prayers will came my way sooner or later.

I've said it before and I will say it again...cancer sucks!!!!! but, even with that being said it has helped me be a better person in a lot of ways. So by being strong and dealing with the reality of all this I will become more of the person I want to be, with Christ's help.

So... Karyn and Hamada, even though I never met you face to face, your lives touched mine in a very positive way. Rest now and enjoy your new life with Christ.

The body is sick, but thanks to Jesus the soul is alive and well...

Sometimes it's the little things... A cold

This is the first real cold I have had since I was diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma. It might be silly but I was kinda nervous and I didn't really know which Dr. to call or even if I should call or just tough it out. For those who haven't read my blog from the beginning, about two and a half years ago I ended up in the hospital for 3 days because of viral meningitis. Started out like a cold and went down from there. So today, Jenni being more level headed than I was, told me to call and go see my family doctor. So, I did. He got me in right away and I was glad about that.

He went over every thing and told me I had a cold and would survive. He told me what to look for and when to give him a call. I now know, for the future, when I can relax and just be sick and when I need to move and get some help. He assured me that it was a very productive visit because I asked some good questions.

Of course, I can't go see a doctor W/O a needle being involved so he gave me my flu shot and a Whooping cough vaccine. Both are expected to be bad this winter. I hope they are wrong about that as nobody would ever want a child with whooping cough, or the flu for that matter.

I also asked about my exercise and he said I could continue as long as it was shorter and less intense. I did 16 miles tonight and kept it below 18 MPH ave speed. It wasn't pretty, don't ask, but I made it.

That's about it. Not that exciting but a new step in this journey I'm on. It really is about the small things sometimes.

The body is sick, but thanks to Jesus the soul is alive and well...

My first year of having Multiple Myeloma Done - Now on to year 2 !!

It has been one year ago today that I sat down with my oncologist and he confirmed that I had MM. It has been an up and down year for me. From worrying about the future to hoping I had a future and now learning to live with MM day to day.

So let's take a moment and review this last year:

Good news: I feel great and my life is going well. I have a great family and a strong support group.

Bad news: My legs have good days and bad days. Some days they burn, are weak and hurt and other days they are just a little numb. On really bad days I walk funny and that drives me crazy. I guess it embarrasses me and I don't do embarrassment well. I have noticed my voice gets weak just before my "bad" days and returns to normal on good days, strange right??? My medication takes care of most of it.

Good news: The medication allows me to exercise as much as I want. My bicycle riding is up to 100 miles per week and I'm comfortable with that. I enjoy the riding and it helps me keep my weight in check.

Good news: I have a job and it is paying well. I'm learning how to do the job more and more every day. There are 2 local employees who are very supportive and willing to help when I need it. I feel comfortable with handling my customers and most of them are very nice. I will have benefits starting December 1st.

Bad news: I have to wait for a year before the MM will be covered.

Good news: I don't see me going to the next MM level, Stage 2 or 3, anytime soon. I could be wrong about that but so far things are going well. No new symptoms have cropped up and the one I have is well managed.

Bad news: My blood work still shows my M-spike at around 2.0 and my white cells are low. My IGG hovers around 2200 - 2400 (should be a max of 1700). My IGA & IGM are both way low. My free light Kappa's are high. MM people will know what all that means. For the non-MM people it just means that my MM is there and doing what it does.

Good news: Because of the weight loss (over 35lbs so far) and exercise, my cancer numbers were down on July 1st. My oncologist thinks that if I can maintain my weight loss and exercise program I can keep the cancer numbers in check for a long time.

So it was an interesting year. Some ups and some downs. I go and get my cancer numbers again on November 1st and see my oncologist mid-November. I'm excited and a little nervous to see the numbers are but I guess I always will be. My goal is to follow my oncologist's plan and hopefully keep the numbers in check W/O chemo. I know that probably won't last forever, but I will take what I can get. I feel good and I know that God is in charge of all this.

The body is sick, but thanks to Jesus the soul is alive and well...

Ok... I'm working now...

School is over and I have a week behind me on my new job. It is crazy !! There is still a lot to learn and the first of the week was NUTS. Add to that, they gave us Friday off because the current sales team won a contest. I kinda got the swing of things on Thursday. All in all it has been fun and a challenge all at the same time.

I had to reduce my riding goal as I just don't have the time to learn my new job, take care of the house and spend 3 hours on my bike 4 times a week. I'll do fine with 75 miles a week instead of 125 to 150 miles per week.

My weight is staying in line with what my oncologist wants it to be. I think I'll keep my focus OK even with the new job. I guess I'll find put in November when I have my next blood test.

Well that's all that is happening in my life...

The body is sick, but thanks to Jesus the soul is alive and well...

I have a job... now what....

I got hired this week!!! I'll be working for Yellow Book USA as a sales rep. and I'm sure it is a very good fit for me. I've done outside sales before and did well. This is my first base pay plus commission job, so that will be new. I have always been on a just salary job and that is also both good and bad. My Experian Bureau Manager job would have made me a lot more if commissions were involved, but the bank I worked for, well, we we would have starved. So, I'm not really worried about doing OK on this job, it is just different.

I have 3 weeks of training in Irvine Ca. Jenni will come down for the weekend between the first and second week. Then they will fly me home between the second and third. I've also done that before so Jenni and I are OK with that plan. Then I will only travel once in a while.

The thing I'm kinda worried about is my weight and exercise program. I have focused on both of those to control the cancer. It has worked well and the cancer numbers are down and most of the other blood test show improvement. Only thing of concern is the WBC count still going down, but I digress. I will have a lot less time to exercise and I will be eating out more for 3 weeks. The hotel has a gym and I can watch what I eat. I will figure that out when I get there. Hopefully they will have a fridge and a microwave in the room. That will help, a lot!

I had a cold the first of the week and it seems to be gone after my ride today. I guess the bike riding is supporting the "good" immune cells. All in all very excited about going back to work and getting that part of my life back together.

The body is sick, but thanks to Jesus the soul is alive and well...