The question came up during Jenni's and my "morning time" that we do every day. We spend about 45 min. every morning talking, she has a diet soda and I drink hot tea, and we talk and plan and just enjoy each other. It is a great way to start the day and we have done it for years. This morning she stopped and ask me a very interesting question, "when you think about our future do you vision us in our 70 and 80's?" I thought about it for a moment and I had to say no. My future, as I think about it now only extends to about 60 or 65. About 10 years out.
I use to think about myself being older. I would be working at church with very healthy older men in their 70 and 80's and I would picture myself being just like them. Older but still strong and full of life. I knew that something might happen to prevent that but it would be quickly dismissed and the vision of the healthy, strong and active older man came rushing back in.
Then the multiple myeloma came into my life. No cure for this cancer. Most agree that 10 to 15 years, at this point, would be a good run and be a success. I can think about me older, but it is kinda like the flip side of my previous thought. It comes into my mind and is quickly dismissed and I'm back thinking about me and my cancer. Now to be fair there are oncologists that are saying that they have created cures, most notably the Arkansas team. They claim a high degree of success. I have looked hard at it and have met many Arkansas patients on blogs doing that treatment. ALL are very sick now and have been for quite some time. Some are not doing well at all, so #'s aside and looking at real patients, I just do see it, sorry Nick!
I have really researched my options and I like the minimal chemo path adding to what I'm doing now. I trust my Oncologist both locally and at UCSF. I'm not looking for a long life just a good life. I heard a Christian speaker at our church and his point was that God knows the date and time that he will call me home. I truly believe that so I trust I won't be late for it, so I can stop worrying about that.... So why try? Well, again it is about the quality of life I live.
Now back to my perception of the future. I think it changed within a few min. of hearing the diagnosis. My life compressed into those 10 years. That is how I think and I guess it is probably normal for cancer patients. Jenni asked why she didn't think of us together that way? She still sees us at 70 and 80 doing what older people do. The only answer I had for her is that she doesn't have cancer. I'm still very healthy, active and with a few exceptions, normal! So I would expect her to see things the way it has always been. That dark cloud of cancer isn't moving about her all day, and I like it that way!
As I went through my day the big question in my mind was just how the revelation of how I now see my future affects me? I can honestly say not much. It doesn't depress me, or upset me or even make me sad. It just is..... I have a great life now, a great wife, kids, grandkids and a fantastic extended family. I'm 53 years old and expect to be around to see 60. I feel really blessed each day, and that is the other side of the coin. Cancer has allowed me to see the blessings and the good things in my life a lot clearer. I think I will stick to that part of all this. To keep looking at the positive each day and let the future work itself out.
The body is sick, but thanks to Jesus the soul is alive and well...
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7 years ago
Hi Steven,
ReplyDeleteYour blog post is such a good reminder that we should all, regardless of our official state of health, focus on quality of life rather than length of life. My mother had rheumatic fever at 12, and was told she would never live to be 21. She's now nearly 81, and she appreciates every day, but we grew up with such a shadow because she always was expecting to die. She would refuse to buy new clothes because she said she wouldn't live long enough, for example.
I also think that our definition of quality of life can sometimes be a bit expanded. I often think of a story about a young woman who had a severe back injury and had to spend a couple of years on her back. She was understandably angry and depressed. She said to her minister: "What can I do here, just lying on my back?" He suggested that one thing she could always do was pray. She took up the challenge and began regularly praying for others as she healed. In my opinion, that's a contribution that counts just as much as the healthy older men working at church.
Your "morning time" sounds just great! You obviously really treasure all the good in your life. Sending you good wishes from Scotland!
Totally agree about the value of prayer. My thought is "do what you can do until God calls you home". It might be helping build something, helping children, or praying for those who do those things! It is all God work and all equally valuable!
ReplyDeleteWell said, Steven. I'm 52, treated in Arkansas and have the belief that I've been given an opportunity to live my faith, no matter how long He chooses to have me stay here. Every new day is a gift - another day that I can make a difference. Blessings to you. Sean M.
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