I'm sitting here thinking about the week to come. It was to have snowed last night but the storm missed us and went south to Sacramento. Almost never happens that way. I was looking forward to waking up to some snow and a nice hot cup of tea to watch it fall. I'm doing my best to stay focused and in shape, hard because it was 29 degrees outside this morning and only 39 degrees now and the wind is blowing at 18 mph. I do some yoga and Biggest Loser Boot Camp video's at home but it gets boring and I would rather be riding my bicycle.
My first visit to UCSF and Dr. Martin is this Friday. Jenni and I are taking off on Thursday and doing 2 nights in 2 separate hotels. Kinda a mini vacation before Christmas. We are ending up at my daughter's in-laws house for a nice lunch on Saturday. They are great people and we are looking forward to it. We should have a good time.
I wish I had some clue what to expect with the UCSF visit and Dr. Martin, I just don't. I go from thinking that I might be put on Chemo to thinking he will shake my hand and say "see you in 6 months". The truth is I really don't know. I haven't had my bone marrow biopsy yet and I'm sure that will be discussed. But what else will be discussed...who knows??? It is really hard to wait and I'm really not good at it.
Jenni is getting kinda tired of all the speculation on my part. She has stopped pretending and is saying flat out that she is in full denial on all this. I have no symptoms. I'm just the same person that I was 3 months ago, before all this started to happen, so I guess that I can understand her feelings. In fact because I've added more exercise, I feel better than 3 months ago. Really a confusing thing to get your head around. My mind says I'm blessed to have found it now before I do have symptoms. I only have to think about the cancer and not other things that it can cause, if left untreated. But my feelings are a confusing jumble of ups and downs. I know that Jenni feels like a person who was tricked into getting on a roller coaster, and has that feeling of dread, just before the first drop! Now you have to understand, I love roller coasters, but I really want off this one!
I kinda feel like a Hypochondriac. Going to the Dr. and to a major hospital and doing it feeling so good. I've never been one to go to the doctor. In fact, I had the test that found the M/M because my doctor knew he wouldn't get me back into the office anytime soon. He did a physical because "you won't be in again until I make you". It's feels crazy but I guess I need to use my head and follow those orders!
So.... not much to add to this blog except to say I'm waiting and I have no clue... I'll blog my results of the visit when it is done.
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7 years ago
Well, my statement of denial was half-joking of course. I know that you have MM, it just doesn't seem real, nor does it affecting our life seem real yet. As for the roller-coaster, I don't really feel that way either. I mostly feel like it's something on the shelf that will fall off, we just don't know when or how. Mostly, I'm just on hold like you are.
ReplyDeleteSteven,
ReplyDeleteI hope you don't mind me jumping on your blog. When I was first diagnosed with MM in March 2005 I could only find a few blogs of fellow MM patients. Now there are many of us. My journey has been anything but easy, but I'm still knocking around and intend to be for some years. My MM was quite advanced when I was first diagnosed. see scoopondan.blogspot.com. Your attitude will make a huge difference and the medicine has made tremendous strides, even in the last years. Stay positive, stay in shape and you'll do fine.
dan patterson
We continue to pray. Just remember that on this roller coaster ride, if you turn around from your seat you will see a bunch of friends and family in the seats behind you. In a very real way, it is a journey you have to take by yourself (i.e. the medical tests, the disease itself, the symptoms, etc.) but from an emotional and spiritual perspective, we're all with you.
ReplyDeleteI remember feeling SMUG as I sat in the oncologist office because I was younger, healthier, more energetic then everyone else in there. Mind you I had done a dialysis treatment that morning and was slated for 3 more in the same day and was tired all the time, but I still felt like I was in "better shape" and felt grateful for some weird reason. I hope your MM is not aggressive or making any progress, but remember they call it "multiple" because there are so many ways and levels it shows up, no 2 cases are exactly the same. I hope you are smoldering, thats the nicest thing I can say to a fellow MM'er.
ReplyDeleteIt was strange sitting there at UCSF in the waiting room. I was one of the youngest and "healthiest" looking people there. They had a group of Carolers come through and my first thought was "that is nice that they are singing to the patients here". Then I remembered that I was one of them! I didn't much like that feeling and I don't feel like a patient. He went over everything, and after each projection he would say "but that is only one outcome, we need to wait and see how you do!" I guess this cancer is a wait and see cancer. I'm not good at that.
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