Don't know why it was today... Except I read a blog that was linked from Karyn's blog site where Andre had just passed away from this cancer. I'm sitting here with wet eyes and thinking about how hard this must be for the ones he left behind.
I guess it had to happen sooner or later. I guess now is as good a time as any. It does make me want to get up and go do something to help them. Give them a hug.. However; they live in Washington state, that's a long drive!!!
I guess I'll go on a bike ride and put all this together in my head. Bike riding is also good processing time for this kinda stuff.
I'm back from the ride...
Sorry for the self pity moment. I was going to just delete it and go on but I promised myself this blog would be honest. So here is the truth...
I went on a bike ride last Friday. It was the longest one yet and my fastest ride yet. I was feeling mighty smug... I can do this on my own... HEY everybody look at me!!! I was tired.. I knew I needed a rest day so on Saturday I rested... But that wasn't all... Pancakes in the morning, BIG lunch and a killer dinner. Then Sunday hit... Pizza for lunch, cake and beer at my son's house, snacks and a BIG dinner. This morning I got up and it all showed on the scale. I was fairly down on myself. But hey... I'm the guy with cancer who would fault me for taking a break!!!
I don't know why I read Andre's blog... I just felt I had to. My eyes watered up and I knew I needed to get on the road. There are 2 hills on the ride I choose. Not big hills but I hate hills so they are a challenge. I bet I said "fight" to myself a thousand times up those 2 hills. I knew, at that point, it wasn't that I just took a break from fighting this weekend... I was trying to do this on my own. I can't do this by myself. I need the Lord to be there with his strength.
It is going to be easy to fight when I feel good. When I'm rested and ready to go. It is easy to feel smug when I'm feeling self important. But with my limited strength I will fail. When things get tough and I need a break... nobody will fault me for that. The only one that I will let down is myself, and my God. I will work hard to trust the Lord and rely on his strength. He said he will be there for me. He just spend the last 3 days proving it to me!
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8 years ago
Steve,
ReplyDeleteIts normal, you're normal, and you are processing things. There will be days you don't even remember you have cancer, and days when it overwhelms you to think about how bad it might get. I cried about Andre too, but also felt relief for him, he went through so much. I wonder if the fight doesn't sort of prepare those left behind, too. I felt that way when my Mom died from breast cancer, I was relieved for her, her body couldn't take it anymore. I miss her but welcomed the peace death brought, and she was ready, if there ever was someone ready to go be with her Maker, it was my Mom. Anyway, do write as you process the hard stuff, its just as important as what meds and how you're feeling physically!
I encourage you to be honest too! The journey has valleys (self-pity, fear, tears, or whatever) and mountain tops (feeling good and strong). But getting to those mountain tops involves hill-climbing which are difficult. All of it is part of the journey, and we are all on the journey with you. In some ways, only you can fight, but we are with you emotionally and spiritually!
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