Cancer-- and my changed perception of the future

The question came up during Jenni's and my "morning time" that we do every day. We spend about 45 min. every morning talking, she has a diet soda and I drink hot tea, and we talk and plan and just enjoy each other. It is a great way to start the day and we have done it for years. This morning she stopped and ask me a very interesting question, "when you think about our future do you vision us in our 70 and 80's?" I thought about it for a moment and I had to say no. My future, as I think about it now only extends to about 60 or 65. About 10 years out.

I use to think about myself being older. I would be working at church with very healthy older men in their 70 and 80's and I would picture myself being just like them. Older but still strong and full of life. I knew that something might happen to prevent that but it would be quickly dismissed and the vision of the healthy, strong and active older man came rushing back in.

Then the multiple myeloma came into my life. No cure for this cancer. Most agree that 10 to 15 years, at this point, would be a good run and be a success. I can think about me older, but it is kinda like the flip side of my previous thought. It comes into my mind and is quickly dismissed and I'm back thinking about me and my cancer. Now to be fair there are oncologists that are saying that they have created cures, most notably the Arkansas team. They claim a high degree of success. I have looked hard at it and have met many Arkansas patients on blogs doing that treatment. ALL are very sick now and have been for quite some time. Some are not doing well at all, so #'s aside and looking at real patients, I just do see it, sorry Nick!

I have really researched my options and I like the minimal chemo path adding to what I'm doing now. I trust my Oncologist both locally and at UCSF. I'm not looking for a long life just a good life. I heard a Christian speaker at our church and his point was that God knows the date and time that he will call me home. I truly believe that so I trust I won't be late for it, so I can stop worrying about that.... So why try? Well, again it is about the quality of life I live.

Now back to my perception of the future. I think it changed within a few min. of hearing the diagnosis. My life compressed into those 10 years. That is how I think and I guess it is probably normal for cancer patients. Jenni asked why she didn't think of us together that way? She still sees us at 70 and 80 doing what older people do. The only answer I had for her is that she doesn't have cancer. I'm still very healthy, active and with a few exceptions, normal! So I would expect her to see things the way it has always been. That dark cloud of cancer isn't moving about her all day, and I like it that way!

As I went through my day the big question in my mind was just how the revelation of how I now see my future affects me? I can honestly say not much. It doesn't depress me, or upset me or even make me sad. It just is..... I have a great life now, a great wife, kids, grandkids and a fantastic extended family. I'm 53 years old and expect to be around to see 60. I feel really blessed each day, and that is the other side of the coin. Cancer has allowed me to see the blessings and the good things in my life a lot clearer. I think I will stick to that part of all this. To keep looking at the positive each day and let the future work itself out.

The body is sick, but thanks to Jesus the soul is alive and well...

Life is normal - As normal as it can be with cancer.

It has been awhile since I blogged. The reason is basically that nothing is really happening. I feel good most of the time. My Peripheral neuropathy is always there, but some days are better than others. We went on a Disney Cruise last week, Jenni and I had a great time, I had one really bad day with my legs. It happened to be the day at sea so I just chilled and took it easy. Jenni was a real trooper and made sure I took it easy. A very understanding wife is worth her weight in gold and my wife is worth a fortune.

Nothing new on the cancer front. I don't get tested again until March so I will have to wait and see what the numbers look like then. I still think they will be low as I have no new symptoms.

On the Peripheral neuropathy front, my Oncologist seems to think that it is possible that it is caused by a vitamin B-12 problem. Still all wrapped up in the Multiple Myeloma but it could be fixed in the short run. He has me on mega doses of B-12 via pills. I never thought I would be on prenatal vitamins but here I am. I can't see any difference so if there isn't I will have to take B-12 shots. No problem if it will fix the Peripheral neuropathy.

I'm reading a book on the history of cancer treatment called "The Emperor of All Maladies". A hard, technical read but a good read. A poet with cancer made reference to how he feels, and it describes how I feel very well. He said, paraphrased to keep it brief, is that "cancer is always reflected endlessly back at me like a hall of mirrors". It's true, I now see the world in this cancer mirror. I eat with cancer in mind, I exercise with cancer in mind, I wake up with cancer in mind and I go to sleep with cancer in mind. The mirror never really lets me just look out through the glass, to the world I use to know.

So, all in all, I feel great and I'm really doing very well. Not too much more exciting than that, and I like it that way! I'm still upbeat and enjoying my life, day by day. I will try to blog more in the future.

The body is sick, but thanks to Jesus the soul is alive and well...