Numbers on a piece of paper….and the hill to climb.

Now that I’ve had some time to think about all this cancer stuff, I had a question for myself. What is this cancer all about for me? I was on a bicycle ride (lots of time to think) and I was preparing to climb my first hill of the day and it came to me. This cancer stuff is just numbers on a piece of paper. I have studied cancer and can tell you a lot about how it happens, how it grows and spreads, what it does to the body etc…. But for me, right now, it is just numbers.

I physically feel like I always have, in some cases better. I’m back to riding my bike, doing yoga, eating right and getting my weight to where it needs to be, within 10 lbs of goal. I have lot of energy, a very positive outlook and I’m happy.

I also really need to know what the next step is. I need to know that there is a hill to climb so I can mentally prepare. That keeps my mind right and allows me to get ready for the climb. I’m really not good with surprises. I really hate surprise parties! I get manic when faced with a surprise. Like when I first heard about multiple Myeloma from Jenni on the phone. I had never heard of it before. I was just having her Google high “M” protein. She told me and I went manic right away because I needed to know more… NOW!!!

I guess I should be scared at some level. The things coming down road will be hard. A bone marrow biopsy, bone marrow harvesting, pills to keep my bones strong, chemo, maybe radiation and finally a bone morrow transplant. It should scare me but it just doesn’t. I guess it is the Marine, firefighter and cyclist in me. I have faced some really hard physically demanding stuff in the past and I did it all. I faced the challenges and came through them just fine. It has made me who I am and I’m good with that.

It all might change when this cancer starts being more than numbers. When I start getting tired, having bone issues or having kidney problems etc.. I might get scared and need to grab an arm, from the people in my life. I know the arms will be there and that brings me peace. I know I’m blessed in that area of my life.

So, I have a plan in my mind. I now know where it is all headed. Some of it will be hard, some just a daily routine. But I know the hill is there and I’m getting ready for the climb. Luckily I’m not doing the climb alone. I have a team riding with me, my God, my wife, my family, old and new friends.

God is showing me what is important. It’s not the numbers on a piece of paper. It isn’t the hard road that is out there someplace. It is the peace that I have knowing when I need others, they will be there.. Helping me up the hill…

Tough as nails, practically indestructible & the inconvenient truth

First; let’s just talk about the facts that we know right now. I have cancer, Multiple Myeloma, Stage 1. All my physical findings were good to great… No “body” problems, kidney’s working well, bones strong, no blood related issues etc. The only bad test results were the cancer related proteins and they were ALL HIGH. That is what caused the diagnosis. So the cancer is active and doing what it does, producing proteins and growing. So what are my next steps? First I have been referred to UCFS for an evaluation and a Bone Marrow Biopsy. They might have me do that locally or the same day I go to SF, we have to wait until they call for that decision. I don’t know when that will be scheduled yet. Because this cancer thumps the immune system I have to get up to date on all my shots. I’ll set that up today with Dr. Civilier. Then after the UCSF appointment I go on a drug to keep my bones strong. Then I get watched… I will have to have a bone marrow transplant. When I have that depends on how fast the cancer progresses. That can’t be determined for some time, so we wait. It could be a long time away.

That being said, what is my prognosis? There isn’t a cure… Dr. Feeman said the average life span, based on a bell curve, is 10 years. So, ½ the patients don’t make it to 10 years, some a lot less, ½ the patients live longer than 10 years, some a lot longer. I won’t know where I will fall until I know the pace of the cancer. The pace is already “pre-determined” so there is nothing I can do to speed it up or slow it down. I can do things to help my body prevent, or slow, the damage done by the cancer. Follow Dr. orders, get into good physical share, eat well and watch my weight.

How do I physically feel? Great.. there are NO symptoms yet. It is all test results. I do what I have always done, then add some physical activity and watch my diet. Other than that all is as it was before I was diagnosed. One thing Dr. Freeman said was concerning my hospitalization for my meningeal enchephilitis. He said the reason I got so sick was probably the Myeloma… That tells me I have had this for some time. I need to prevent getting sick the best I can (while still enjoying my life and family). Wash my hands more etc.


How do I feel emotionally? Since my enchephilitis I have had a saying: I’m tough as nails, practically indestructible…(my family usually roll their eyes as soon as it is said). I have to ask myself, what does that mean and do I believe it or do I just say it? Well, I do believe it so what does it mean. It means when things are hard, and I have stuff to do, I do it anyway. My first thought was “I have cancer!! Take care of me, fix it”. Then after a short time of self-pity I realized that just wasn’t me. I have a family to take care of.. lawns to mow, ceiling fans to install, appliances to fix, grand children to take care of etc.. I just have this inconvenient truth of cancer in my life. I can let it take over my life or I can do what I have always done and take care of what needs to get done. I know I have a fight on my hands. No problem, I was a US Marine and I know how to fight. I know I will have to deal with this, I will. This fight is mine and mine alone. I can’t expect Jenni, my kids or friends & family to do it for me. I can fight and I will fight. Fighting is a verb so they will see me doing the stuff discussed above. I’ll just add it to my list of things to do. It will all get done! I’m a very lucky person. I have my God, my wife, my family and friends to help me through this. I will take that help, when needed.


Mostly I have God in my life. He will never test me beyond what I can handle. I take comfort in that. He has the plan and I will trust that plan and keep being TOUGH As NAILS PRACTICALLY INDESTRUCTIBLE!!!

The first blog...

This is the first installment to my blogging. I'm going to record my thoughts and feelings during my walk with Multiple Myeloma. I have made a friend on Facebook that has stage 3 and she said it would be a good idea to do this. She should know... She also has a great blog ( http://managingmyeloma.blogspot.com/ ) check it out and add her to your prayer list.. My goal is to be as honest and up front as much as I can. No fluff, no craziness, just honest feelings and fears etc. so here goes.

This all started because my doctor, David Civilier, required me to do a blood test for a renewal of my high blood pressure medication. I went into the Dr. feeling GREAT. A few days later his nurse called and I was off and going.. Additional blood tests, Urine tests, x-rays etc. The second batch of tests are done and I'm waiting until tomorrow at 5:00 to find out.

Talking about tomorrow. There are a LOT of things I can hear. It could be MGUS, the benign form (for now), or stage 1 or 2. Now I go from thinking "it is just MGUS" to "Stage 1" and then my knee hurts and I think "stage 2"!! I really don't have ANY facts to support any of these guesses. It will all come down to what the tests say. Like Dr. Freeman said "we will just deal with facts".

I have obsessed with finding out as much as I can about this disease. My oncologist is Dr. Freeman, great guy with a great reputation, told me to spend some time on the internet learning. No problem with that!!! You can really scare yourself with some sites but most are helpful.

I found a good Facebook connection ( Multiple Myeloma Research Foundation ), and met a friend Karyn. She has been more help than I can ever express here on the blog. She is the person I spoke about with Stage 3. I pray for her each and every day. She can cut through some of the fluff I put out, and say the right thing. Things I need to hear... I don't think she knows that about our interactions but it's true.

I'm not really scared about this. Kinda just reacting like a sore ankle or my high blood pressure. It's there but not really a problem. I guess that could change tomorrow. I hope not.. I find myself focusing on riding my bike, eating right and watching my calcium intake. Don't think any of that will help in the short run, but it makes me feel like I'm doing SOMETHING!!!

My short term goal is to not wake up thinking about it...thinking about it all day, having it be my last thought before I go to sleep and waking up in the middle of the night with it on my mind. Does that mean I'm really scared? I don't know.. But I don't feel scared. I guess not obsessing will come with time. As far as my long term feelings go on this, I think I'll do what I have always done. Buck it up, be a US Marine and take care of my family and friends..

A saying keeps coming into my head when I get obsessed with this : God never promised you tomorrow, his gift is today, now go do something with it... I don't know if I heard that someplace or God just put it in my brain... It doesn't matter because it brings me back to reality..

I'll blog my results on Wednesday...