Steven's Walk... Tough as Nails, Practically Indestructible

Our Caribbean Cruise

2012-01-28T16:40:00.000-08:00

We just got back from our 5 day Caribbean Cruise. It was a great time. We went with my sister and brother in law. Weather was great and the seas were fantastic. Here are some pictures...

My Sister and Brother in Law, Leslie and Fred Braun.

Our Ship, Liberty of the Seas, Royal Caribbean

Me in the kayak in Belize...

My wife, Jenni gave it a try, but didn't make it very long... The wind and waves were just to scary.

The pink Dune Buggy was ours in Cozumel Mexico.

The Light house in Cozumel, I was crazy enough to "run" up the 145 steps to the top. It was fun but the steps get shorter and the roof gets lower so right at the top I bonked my head and walked the last 3 steps.

We even made a friend in Cozumel.

So a good time was had until ..... The last evening at sea Fred got really sick.. Then on the way home I only made it to Phoenix before I got it and had to spend the night before being well enough to fly home. A BIG thank you to Southwest airline ground staff for helping Jenni and I get our baggage, change flights, get a hotel and generally make sure we were taken care of because of the issue. They went way and above what we could have expected.

Bottom line is we had a great vacation and even with a bad ending we have a lot of good memories.

The body is sick, but thanks to Jesus the soul is alive and well...

Me and my family

2012-01-11T19:56:00.000-08:00

I follow a Myeloma Friends blog, Walking with the BIG EZ, with LOTS of pictures of him and his family. It is a highlight of my week when they post new pictures. I'm not that good at doing it on a blog. In fact, Jenni my wife, set up the blog page you see. She is MUCH better than I am at this stuff. So here goes...

This is me and a friend Gary. I'm on the red bike....

This is me and my Bicycle... Getting a clue??? I like anything on 2 wheels..

This is me (the blue bike) finishing the 70+ miles around Lake Tahoe last September 11th.

Jenni and I at Crater Lake in Oregon last summer.

A picture of Jenni and I with "4 of 5" of our grand children.

My 3 Grand Daughters... Rylee, Allyson, and Emily

Here is my youngest Grand Son, Nate ... Yes; my wife made the cake..

My daughter Jamie and her husband mike.

My Son, Josh

Joshua's Son and my Grandson, Devon..

So that's it... My family... Thanks for browsing the pictures...

The body is sick, but thanks to Jesus the soul is alive and well...

My birthday today...

2012-01-02T10:59:00.000-08:00

Another year has come and gone.. Got the text from my son this morning wishing the "old man" a happy 54th birthday. This year has been a good one and I'm looking forward to my next year being 54. A lot of crazy things happened last year. So I thought I would take a moment and remember how blessed I am to be here still and the blessings of family, friends and the new friends I have in the Blogispher & Facebook.

The year started out kinda rough. My PN hit me hard. I was unable to exercise because I kept falling and I started falling just getting out of my car. I started walking funny , like I was 90 !! Really scary but I soon found out it was just a reaction to my medication. I went off it and BAM I was mostly back to normal.

The spring was wet so I got behind on my training and I missed 2 rides that I had signed up for. I kept going at the gym and as soon as the weather cleared I was back out riding my bike and loving life. I had a great year riding, 3489 miles on the bike and 50+ hours in the gym. It all came down to me doing the Tour De Tahoe. It was a great day to ride it and I had a great time. I finished it much faster than I expected !!

I had a second round of cancer testing late October early November and everything came out great. My numbers have stayed fairly stable and so I'm not moving any closer to needing treatment yet! Having Smoldering Multiple Myeloma is a crazy place to be. Yes, you have cancer, and no they don't do anything for it! That is where the diet and exercise comes in. No real research on the "true" benefit of it but I know this... My first 9 months with it, my cancer numbers were climbing every time they were checked. After the weight loss and exercise kicked in, the numbers started to fall and now have leveled off. I feel better than I have in years and that is enough for me right now!

The year has ended up with Shingles.. NO FUN AT ALL.. but I got to get to know a blog friend better because of them, so I guess there are blessings in everything God puts in front of us!!! The Big EZ helped me figure out what I had and then walked me through the tough time... Thanks Big... Now I have a cold but the body is doing a good job handling it.

Not the best ending of the year but I got to spend a lot of time with family and the celebration of my Lord's birth is always a great time at the Ritter household.

So... Here is how I sum up 53 years old. Full of ups and downs but as long as I stayed out of treatment it was a great year...

Now on to a treatment free 54....

The body is sick, but thanks to Jesus the soul is alive and well...

Shingles !!!

2011-12-09T08:38:00.001-08:00

All was well and I was doing great. The minor problems that I have really don't hurt so I'm good with them. In fact, my Dr. and Oncologist always knew my response when asked how I was doing. It was always "Great, and what I do have doesn't hurt so I'm good". Well I really can't say that now.

It all started this last Tuesday at the gym. I use a heart rate monitor with a chest strap sending unit. I noticed that the skin under my strap really itched and hurt. My thought at the time was I needed a good cleaning of the strap. The next morning I got up and my skin continued to hurt. Wednesday afternoon my skin hurt more and I noticed a rash starting. I was still thinking that it was because of the dirty HRM strap. About an hour before bed on Wednesday I started having right lung pain. I took some Ibuprofen but it didn't even touch the pain. To get some sleep I took some codeine. I also noticed my rash was growing and starting to really bother me more.Thursday morning I got up and noticed my rash was growing all along my chest back to my spine in a mostly straight line. The codeine seemed to keep the lung pain under control and I didn't have a fever or a cough so I was just going to Marine up and wait until my Dr. visit the next Tuesday.

Well, a blog friend of mine, Big EZ, also has MM and blogged the fact that he had shingles. The more I read the more I kept saying to myself... Yes - I have that, Yes - I have that, etc.. So I emailed him and he encouraged me to call my Dr. right away and get in. I did that and his nurse said I would be in the office that evening.By the time I got there my chest hurt so much that I could barely take a breath. My Dr. looked for about 2 seconds and agreed it was shingles... Now with an anti-viral and a big bottle of codeine I'm on my way to getting better. The rash is still in the growing phase but my pain is under control. I went ahead and took a sick day from work so that will give me 3 whole days to get back on my feet.

A BIG thank you goes out to The BIG EZ.. for his help and support. Blog friends can get a great source of knowledge and support and I'm truly thankful for all my blog friends. The next 3 weeks won't be much fun but all in all I'm doing great. A small set back but it doesn't really change the larger picture.

The body is sick, but thanks to Jesus the soul is alive and well...

All Clear for the next 6 months

2011-11-28T17:44:00.000-08:00

Final visit to my local Oncologist today. That after my Free Light chain test and Bone scan. She said I was doing great and they will continue to watch me.

Not sure if my bone scan was clear because I forgot to ask, but she didn't say anything about it, so no news is good news. I will get a written request from the imaging clinic so I will know for sure then.

My Free light chain was about the same:

My kappa is high 23.42 (normal is 3.30 - 19.40)
My lambda is low 3.96 (normal is 5.71 - 26.30)
My ratio is: 5.91
My last kappa - lambda ratio was: 4.1

So it is up a bit, but nothing she was worried about.

I'll just relax for the next 6 month and enjoy life.

The body is sick, but thanks to Jesus the soul is alive and well...

Stable

2011-11-03T15:34:00.000-07:00

The visit to UCSF is over and all my numbers are good. The cancer hasn't started to run crazy yet so that is good. The only issue is my peripheral neuropathy. Dr. Martin had a lot of questions about that. Because I'm smoldering I shouldn't have any peripheral neuropathy. Well I do, and I went over it and that was that. Until last night at about 6:30 Dr. Martin called me at home to go over it again. I think the basic feeling is that the peripheral neuropathy isn't myeloma related. He is going to have my local oncologist refer me to a neurological specialist to run some tests.

One thing that is new to me is having so many doctors. I have spent my whole life just working with one, my GP. Yes, there was the occasional referral to get something specific done, but it was go there, get it done and move on. Now I have 3 Dr's that I see fairly regular. I just can't see adding another. Plus, they all want time lines on when it started, and that gets very confusing because the MM diagnosis and all that happened after that. I just get things mixed up, forget important parts.. well you know the story.

The cost thing set aside, I really don't know which way to turn. If, it isn't the myeloma then I wonder how important it is to really figure out what is causing it. I'm fairly well controlled on the medication my GP has me on. I can live and exercise almost normally. If it is the myeloma then I'm not sure a referral will help.

So, I guess I will go to my local oncologist the end of the month and ask some very direct questions about this. I hope that this gets settled quickly and finally.

The body is sick, but thanks to Jesus the soul is alive and well...

It's Over

2011-10-09T15:39:00.000-07:00

Just a short note to let everyone know I made it through my bone marrow biopsy. To say "I made it through" isn't really correct, it wasn't really that big a deal. They are real pro's at UCSF and everyone I came in touch with did every thing they could to make me comfortable. Bone Marrow Biopsy's aren't pleasant but compared to a lot of things they really aren't that bad either.

Hip is a little sore but I was able to ride 16 miles on Friday, the day after my biopsy, and 38.5 today. So I guess I'm back to 100%.

I will know the results in a week or so. I see Dr. Martin on Nov. 1st. to get the Dr. eye view on all this.

The body is sick, but thanks to Jesus the soul is alive and well...

It is getting stranger... but taking it in stride

2011-09-29T17:13:00.000-07:00

So on my last blog I told everyone that all of a sudden I'm being paid a lot of attention to. Dr. offices calling me, scheduling of tests, etc.

Yesterday I got a call, out of the blue, from UCSF that I was scheduled for a bone marrow biopsy. My UCSF oncologist wanted it done right away and so it will be next Thursday morning. Thursday morning!!! UCSF has never done anything this fast before!!! I called the nurse and asked if it was normal or was something going on. All he could tell me was "the Dr. ordered it as soon as we could schedule it... and that is next Thursday". I asked if I needed to confirm it... he said, "No you just need to be here".

I'm use to being the patient that nobody is worried about. The patient who gets to choose, come back in 3,4 or 6 months? The patient who always worries more than the doctors. Not really use to all this unsolicited attention.

Luckily my company, and most importantly my boss, were very supportive. I will be able to go, in fact, he told me to take Friday off and just relax. So... I'm taking this all in stride. I totally understand that this is probably no big thing and I will be back to my normal healthy self real soon. It is just the strange world of having MM... I'm sure all my MM blogger friends can relate...

The body is sick, but thanks to Jesus the soul is alive and well...

Things are getting STRANGE...

2011-09-21T19:07:00.000-07:00

I lost my local oncologist in May. He had just had it with California requirements and trying to make ends meet with low medical payments. He went to the VA in Reno, so all he has to do now is be an oncologist. That left me looking for a new oncologist here in Redding. I finally got a new one in August. When I saw her I felt great, I had a few questions but, all in all, a no problems first meeting.

During the work up they measured me. I have been 5'8" since I graduated high school but they measured my height and I was 5'7". During the meeting she quizzed me about that and I said that I felt great and anyway I was 53... maybe I was shrinking... She looked at me and said "you are so having a bone scan". I didn't think anything more about it.

Well, just a few weeks later I got a call out of the blue from my Transplant Oncologist at UCSF and he wants to see me soon. I was shocked but made the appointment. Today I get a call from my local oncologist's nurse telling me to expect the call. When I told her that I had already spoke to UCSF she said that
"he wants to direct your treatment from here on out"!!! What does that mean? She just said that they would work closely with them and not to worry. What treatment?
I do my own treatment, exercise, weight control and attitude but I have no formal treatment. I guess I will have to wait until my visit to UCSF to get this sorted out. As well as I feel and as boring as my first oncologist visit was... the height thing was the ONLY thing that I came up with...

I hope I'm worried about nothing... That will be my mind set until I have something real to worry about... Now ... Lets plan my next bike ride!

The body is sick, but thanks to Jesus the soul is alive and well...

The Tour is Done...

2011-09-12T12:40:00.000-07:00

Ya... I completed the Tour de Tahoe.. The 72 miles around Lake Tahoe. What a great ride. I was very strong and I was very pleased with my times. It took me 4:49 of ride time. Counting rest areas and snacks to total time was 5:15. I ave 14.9 Mph. Several big climbs and a lot of little climbs. That was countered by some great downhills with a max speed of 43.7 mph. At the end I was tired but all in all felt great! I did have one climb that I needed to stop and catch my breath, alt. about 7000 feet and I tried to hold on to a string of 3 riders. They were much younger and much better riders. When my heart rate hit 218, well, it was time to stop and get it under control. Only took about 2 min. and I was under 140 so I continued and had no additional problems.

I was really glad my wife was there to drive the 4 hours home. I was much too tired to drive that distance and be safe.

I was really glad I did this and that I was able to do it as well as I did.

Now, I need to stop writing this and go do my 26 miles recovery ride!

The body is sick, but thanks to Jesus the soul is alive and well...

Tahoe is coming... The Tour de Tahoe

2011-08-16T20:52:00.000-07:00

I ride as part of my on going treatment for my smoldering MM. Most who have read my blog know how important I think this is. My m-spike and Igg's were on a steady climb for the first 9 months after diagnoses. After they got the PN fixed and I was able to start riding and losing the weight the numbers have gone down and are staying down. Some movement up but very slow.

I ride in the Spring, summer and fall about 100 to 140 miles per week. Most rides are between 25 and 45 miles. To "reward" myself I signed up for the Tour de Tahoe on September 11. It is a 72 mile bike ride around Lake Tahoe. You go from 6300 feet up to 7100 feet with a total climb of 2600 feet over the course of the ride... Some reward. However; there will be about 3000 bike riders there and it should be a lot of fun.

My house is at 300 feet elevation and although I ride the foothills east of my house I hardly ever get over 1500 feet in elevation. Most rides have about 1000-1500 feet total climb. The ride will be a challenge!

So... as September 11 gets close, and you are thinking about what happened on that terrible day, take a moment to think of me. Send me your prayers, good thoughts, mental energy (you decide). All encouragement will be appreciated. I will blog on how I do.

On the MM front, I go see my new Oncologist tomorrow. My first Oncologist quit and moved to Reno to be close to his grandson, who can blame him for that! She came strongly recommended by my GP and I have known Dr. Dave for most of my adult life and his recommendations have always been good ones, so I don't expect this one to be any different.

The body is sick, but thanks to Jesus the soul is alive and well...

Sometimes it's just not the myeloma..

2011-07-25T20:22:00.000-07:00

For those of you who haven't read my blog a lot, I'm a cyclist. I ride about 100 to 150 miles a week. For about the last 2 months my rides have gotten harder and harder. My riding was like just before I was diagnosed with MM, short rides and then I would physically run out of gas. At that time it turn out to be a problem with Peripheral neuropathy. I was put on a medication for it, and it worked great for a while, but I had a bad reaction and had to go off. Now the rides were getting worse and so I went to the Dr. and he said my blood numbers looked good, gave me a new mild medication for the PN and sent me home. It didn't help, riding just got worse and worse. I was adding miles but they were much harder miles. I was sure it was my PN or something wrong with my blood counts.

I would go out for about one and a half to two hours and I would physically crash. Short of breath, legs had no power and my heart beat would hit the roof. I felt I was in shape, my weight was in control, it had to be the MM.

Yesterday I had a lot going on at church, mostly morning and evening. I had a break in the afternoon so I thought I would get out and "give it a try". I knew it would be hot, over 95 degrees, but I'm use to that. I went out and hit the hills. I had several good climbs and was on my way down a hill, at about the 20 mile mark, and all of a sudden I realized I was hungry. I looked up about a half mile and there was a hill. I knew I would hit the wall on that climb. Sure enough, there was the wall with 15 miles to go! I then started thinking... I didn't use to do this. Then it hit me !! My body was telling me something, I needed energy. I had used up all the energy I had and it was starting to request more. I had nothing on the bike that could fix it quickly. I crawled in but used the time to really figure out what was happening. Then I remembered that I also use to bring an energy drink and food along every time I rode over an hour.

DUMB... I was so focused on figuring out the MM reason for the poor riding that I was completely forgetting the basics of long rides, Stay hydrated, keep energy available, relax and pace yourself. WOW.. how simple is this. I have been fighting this for two months!

So today I went and bought some 100% Ocean Spray juice drink and filled up a water bottle. The other bottle I filed with water. It was hot, over 90 Degrees and off I went. I started the drink the first mile and paced it through the 26 miles. I climbed about 1500 feet. I felt nice and relaxed and had the same power when I got back as when I left!

I kind of feel silly now, and yes, my wife was laughing at me. I have only done this for all my adult life. What made me think that at 53 I could skip the energy drink when I needed it at 35. I was just so focused on the MM and how it was effecting my riding that I completely disregarded any other options. So yes, sometimes it isn't the MM it is much simpler than that. The hard part is to remember that day to day.

The body is sick, but thanks to Jesus the soul is alive and well...

I'm back...

2011-07-06T19:56:00.000-07:00

It has been a long time since I have posted to my blog. The main reason is that everything has been going so well. I still have numbness to my hands and feet, and a few bad days with heaviness but that is about all. I got my numbers back yesterday and today and the best way to describe them would be "stable". Some numbers slightly higher and some slightly lower. All in all I'm very happy with my numbers.

I continue to keep on the protocol, Get light, get fast, get strong, stay happy! It seems to be working so I will keep it up. Riding about 100 to 125 miles per week on my bicycle and keeping my weight at or below 160, that is a BMI of about 24%.

Some of my blog friends aren't doing so well and so I keep them in my prayers daily. New things coming down the tube all the time so there is hope.

The body is sick, but thanks to Jesus the soul is alive and well...

There is hope....

2011-04-17T17:11:00.000-07:00

A new Start up company, OncoPep, Inc. is researching a new vaccine for smoldering myeloma. It isn't in clinical trials but hopefully soon. We never hear to much about smoldering myeloma. It just seems very easy to just disregard. Because we usually don't have any symptoms they just watch us close and wait for it to start attacking us. It has always been disconcerting to me to handle it that way. I've never been a wait and see sort of guy. I would rather hit is hard, and if I have to, fail giving it all I have.

I guess that it why I'm so focused on the Freeman protocol,(my Oncologist Dr. Freeman), get lean, get moving and be happy! It seems to work as my #'s are down but it is still a passive approach.

So now I have something to research and look forward to. I will get all the info I can and push to see if I can be a fast starter on the research. I think I would be a good candidate as I'm healthy and happy, apart from having this smoldering myeloma.

So... At least it gave me something to blog about as I'm doing great, feel healthy and getting in better shape for my bike rides every day!

The body is sick, but thanks to Jesus the soul is alive and well...

Doing fine...

2011-03-15T17:30:00.000-07:00

I'm off the Gabapenten!! My feet and hands are a little numb but I feel more stable on my feet.
I was worried about losing my athletic performance but that hasn't happened. I was also worried about the withdrawals but because I had a bad cold, well I wasn't sure how much was the drug and how much was the cold. That being said I survived and all is well.

I see my oncologist on Thursday, not sure why, I guess he just wants to make sure all is well. I will take some hand and feet numbness and burning feet to avoid the falling.

Other than that I feel great and things are stable.

The body is sick, but thanks to Jesus the soul is alive and well...

I guess I'm not an Oncologists

2011-03-09T19:28:00.000-08:00

A quick update:

Last visit, November 2010 my Oncologist thought I might have a B-12 problem, he doubled my B-12 intake via pills then sent me to get more blood work. It showed nothing exciting so I made the decision to wait until my next visit and "stay with the pill plan". I got my normal 4 month blood tests back last week and thought it showed the same problem with my B-12. I had a really bad weekend with numbness, hurting, cramping legs plus I was doing a lot of falling, mostly while exercising. So I called him and got in early. We went loaded for bear and to push hard for starting B-12 shots.

He checked my test results, asked me several questions and he feels the problem isn't the B-12 (because the November 2010 blood tests came back so good) but that I'm having problems with the Gabapenten. Jenni and I were positive it was the B-12, thanks Dr. Google!! So, for the next few days I will be coming off the Gabapenten and it might not be fun. We will worry about the PN problem once the current problems are sorted out. I can't keep not sleeping, being in pain and falling!

I see the Dr. again next Thursday to check in, he said I should see improvement quickly.

I will blog on how I handle all this, hopefully it will be easy and will be a short post.

The body is sick, but thanks to Jesus the soul is alive and well...

Test Results... Good news!!

2011-03-02T16:59:00.000-08:00

Today I got my test results back: M-spike is 1.9 up from 1.6 but down from a max of 2.4.
My IGG went up to 2073 from 1999 but down from over 2400.

My general blood test still indicates that my body isn't processing the B-12 I'm taking in. All my numbers were worse for each test I've done the last year. That is with the massive intake of B-12 my oncologist has me on each day. I think it is time to really talk to him about taking
B-12 shots.

My WBC count is the lowest it has ever been and so is my RBC. I'm working out really hard so I think my body is using the red blood cells I have very effectively, my opinion. I work out 3 to 4 times a week for 1.5 hours with an ave. heart rate above 130. I guess I need to watch it but it doesn't seem to be a problem right now. My low WBC is concerning but I have learned to be crazy about washing my hands and keeping my distance from sick people. I had 3 big colds this winter but that is a virus and so not really a WBC issue. I really try to keep away from bad bacteria.

So, I consider myself stable right now. I will see my oncologist on the 14th and I'm sure he will be as happy as I am right now. I like good news like this!

The body is sick, but thanks to Jesus the soul is alive and well...

It's a leg thing, it's very strange..

2011-02-20T20:33:00.000-08:00

For you that read my blog you know that I have problems with my legs. Peripheral neuropathy causes hot burning feet, legs that are weak and really don't want to work right. I also have what I call a skip. I call it that because they act like a skip on a CD. They are going well then, skip for a second or 2 and then back to working again. These things don't all happen at one time and isn't always bad. It seems to come and go for no reason. Some days I don't much know it is happening and some days, like today, it's bad. It is just a "bad" day.

Now on to the strange part... I know that I need to exercise and I'm a long distance cyclist. I'm getting ready for a couple of century rides. Because of my increased training I have noticed that even if I'm not walking right or my legs have that 200lbs each feeling, that I can hit the road and do a full ride, flat out like I didn't have Peripheral neuropathy! Today was no exception. My legs were giving me trouble all night last night. Painful, heavy feeling and I needed to keep them moving trying to find a comfortable position. As the day went on they didn't get better. So about 2:00 I hit the road, worried that I would be coming home soon. It wasn't the case. I got on the road and away I went. My legs felt great, I was flying up the hills, my speed was normal and I even passed another cyclist, always fun! Strange!!!

When I got home I dismounted and I really couldn't feel my feet. The stubs below my hips didn't seem connected and wow they didn't want to move! I had to grab the kitchen table to keep from falling! I went and took a hot bath hoping that would help but it didn't. As the day turned into evening they have continued down the "bad" path.

So I'm sitting here with my laptop on my lap. My legs hurt, are weak, don't want to work and I'm confused, and a little pissed off, as to why this happens. I could understand it if I had overdone my exercise or I could understand it if I couldn't exercise during my "bad" days. It seems like they have 2 different states, this bad state and their exercise state, and never the two shall meet. Yes, it is just a question waiting for an answer... I guess I will ask my oncologist next month.

But the silver lining is I know that even when they do this to me I can still go out and train!

The body is sick, but thanks to Jesus the soul is alive and well...

Cancer-- and my changed perception of the future

2011-01-14T21:32:00.000-08:00

The question came up during Jenni's and my "morning time" that we do every day. We spend about 45 min. every morning talking, she has a diet soda and I drink hot tea, and we talk and plan and just enjoy each other. It is a great way to start the day and we have done it for years. This morning she stopped and ask me a very interesting question, "when you think about our future do you vision us in our 70 and 80's?" I thought about it for a moment and I had to say no. My future, as I think about it now only extends to about 60 or 65. About 10 years out.

I use to think about myself being older. I would be working at church with very healthy older men in their 70 and 80's and I would picture myself being just like them. Older but still strong and full of life. I knew that something might happen to prevent that but it would be quickly dismissed and the vision of the healthy, strong and active older man came rushing back in.

Then the multiple myeloma came into my life. No cure for this cancer. Most agree that 10 to 15 years, at this point, would be a good run and be a success. I can think about me older, but it is kinda like the flip side of my previous thought. It comes into my mind and is quickly dismissed and I'm back thinking about me and my cancer. Now to be fair there are oncologists that are saying that they have created cures, most notably the Arkansas team. They claim a high degree of success. I have looked hard at it and have met many Arkansas patients on blogs doing that treatment. ALL are very sick now and have been for quite some time. Some are not doing well at all, so #'s aside and looking at real patients, I just do see it, sorry Nick!

I have really researched my options and I like the minimal chemo path adding to what I'm doing now. I trust my Oncologist both locally and at UCSF. I'm not looking for a long life just a good life. I heard a Christian speaker at our church and his point was that God knows the date and time that he will call me home. I truly believe that so I trust I won't be late for it, so I can stop worrying about that.... So why try? Well, again it is about the quality of life I live.

Now back to my perception of the future. I think it changed within a few min. of hearing the diagnosis. My life compressed into those 10 years. That is how I think and I guess it is probably normal for cancer patients. Jenni asked why she didn't think of us together that way? She still sees us at 70 and 80 doing what older people do. The only answer I had for her is that she doesn't have cancer. I'm still very healthy, active and with a few exceptions, normal! So I would expect her to see things the way it has always been. That dark cloud of cancer isn't moving about her all day, and I like it that way!

As I went through my day the big question in my mind was just how the revelation of how I now see my future affects me? I can honestly say not much. It doesn't depress me, or upset me or even make me sad. It just is..... I have a great life now, a great wife, kids, grandkids and a fantastic extended family. I'm 53 years old and expect to be around to see 60. I feel really blessed each day, and that is the other side of the coin. Cancer has allowed me to see the blessings and the good things in my life a lot clearer. I think I will stick to that part of all this. To keep looking at the positive each day and let the future work itself out.

The body is sick, but thanks to Jesus the soul is alive and well...

Life is normal - As normal as it can be with cancer.

2011-01-13T19:28:00.000-08:00

It has been awhile since I blogged. The reason is basically that nothing is really happening. I feel good most of the time. My Peripheral neuropathy is always there, but some days are better than others. We went on a Disney Cruise last week, Jenni and I had a great time, I had one really bad day with my legs. It happened to be the day at sea so I just chilled and took it easy. Jenni was a real trooper and made sure I took it easy. A very understanding wife is worth her weight in gold and my wife is worth a fortune.

Nothing new on the cancer front. I don't get tested again until March so I will have to wait and see what the numbers look like then. I still think they will be low as I have no new symptoms.

On the Peripheral neuropathy front, my Oncologist seems to think that it is possible that it is caused by a vitamin B-12 problem. Still all wrapped up in the Multiple Myeloma but it could be fixed in the short run. He has me on mega doses of B-12 via pills. I never thought I would be on prenatal vitamins but here I am. I can't see any difference so if there isn't I will have to take B-12 shots. No problem if it will fix the Peripheral neuropathy.

I'm reading a book on the history of cancer treatment called "The Emperor of All Maladies". A hard, technical read but a good read. A poet with cancer made reference to how he feels, and it describes how I feel very well. He said, paraphrased to keep it brief, is that "cancer is always reflected endlessly back at me like a hall of mirrors". It's true, I now see the world in this cancer mirror. I eat with cancer in mind, I exercise with cancer in mind, I wake up with cancer in mind and I go to sleep with cancer in mind. The mirror never really lets me just look out through the glass, to the world I use to know.

So, all in all, I feel great and I'm really doing very well. Not too much more exciting than that, and I like it that way! I'm still upbeat and enjoying my life, day by day. I will try to blog more in the future.

The body is sick, but thanks to Jesus the soul is alive and well...

Being Strong.. a new perspective

2010-11-23T14:52:00.000-08:00

I have wrote here before about being strong. About fighting the good fight. About not letting this cancer beat me. I'm going to stay in control of it. Not the other way around. I truly believe that... However... I had 2 blog friends go to be with the Lord this week. Karyn and Hamada, people I have never met, but I have come to love and care about almost on a daily basis.

Karyn lived in Texas and Hamada lived in the United Kingdom. Both fought this cancer with all they had and so did their family.

It would be very easy to go through my list of blog friends and hit the delete button so I wouldn't have to deal with the "real Life" of this cancer. I could just do my thing and be strong and brave and be all into myself and my fight. But that isn't a strong thing to do. See; these are real people, just like me, and these are real family members, just like my family. This cancer isn't just something that is happening in my small world. I pray I never forget that! I need to keep these people in my thoughts and prayers each and every day. Knowing that those thoughts and prayers will came my way sooner or later.

I've said it before and I will say it again...cancer sucks!!!!! but, even with that being said it has helped me be a better person in a lot of ways. So by being strong and dealing with the reality of all this I will become more of the person I want to be, with Christ's help.

So... Karyn and Hamada, even though I never met you face to face, your lives touched mine in a very positive way. Rest now and enjoy your new life with Christ.

The body is sick, but thanks to Jesus the soul is alive and well...

Sometimes it's the little things... A cold

2010-10-22T18:53:00.000-07:00

This is the first real cold I have had since I was diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma. It might be silly but I was kinda nervous and I didn't really know which Dr. to call or even if I should call or just tough it out. For those who haven't read my blog from the beginning, about two and a half years ago I ended up in the hospital for 3 days because of viral meningitis. Started out like a cold and went down from there. So today, Jenni being more level headed than I was, told me to call and go see my family doctor. So, I did. He got me in right away and I was glad about that.

He went over every thing and told me I had a cold and would survive. He told me what to look for and when to give him a call. I now know, for the future, when I can relax and just be sick and when I need to move and get some help. He assured me that it was a very productive visit because I asked some good questions.

Of course, I can't go see a doctor W/O a needle being involved so he gave me my flu shot and a Whooping cough vaccine. Both are expected to be bad this winter. I hope they are wrong about that as nobody would ever want a child with whooping cough, or the flu for that matter.

I also asked about my exercise and he said I could continue as long as it was shorter and less intense. I did 16 miles tonight and kept it below 18 MPH ave speed. It wasn't pretty, don't ask, but I made it.

That's about it. Not that exciting but a new step in this journey I'm on. It really is about the small things sometimes.

The body is sick, but thanks to Jesus the soul is alive and well...

My first year of having Multiple Myeloma Done - Now on to year 2 !!

2010-10-16T12:12:00.000-07:00

It has been one year ago today that I sat down with my oncologist and he confirmed that I had MM. It has been an up and down year for me. From worrying about the future to hoping I had a future and now learning to live with MM day to day.

So let's take a moment and review this last year:

Good news: I feel great and my life is going well. I have a great family and a strong support group.

Bad news: My legs have good days and bad days. Some days they burn, are weak and hurt and other days they are just a little numb. On really bad days I walk funny and that drives me crazy. I guess it embarrasses me and I don't do embarrassment well. I have noticed my voice gets weak just before my "bad" days and returns to normal on good days, strange right??? My medication takes care of most of it.

Good news: The medication allows me to exercise as much as I want. My bicycle riding is up to 100 miles per week and I'm comfortable with that. I enjoy the riding and it helps me keep my weight in check.

Good news: I have a job and it is paying well. I'm learning how to do the job more and more every day. There are 2 local employees who are very supportive and willing to help when I need it. I feel comfortable with handling my customers and most of them are very nice. I will have benefits starting December 1st.

Bad news: I have to wait for a year before the MM will be covered.

Good news: I don't see me going to the next MM level, Stage 2 or 3, anytime soon. I could be wrong about that but so far things are going well. No new symptoms have cropped up and the one I have is well managed.

Bad news: My blood work still shows my M-spike at around 2.0 and my white cells are low. My IGG hovers around 2200 - 2400 (should be a max of 1700). My IGA & IGM are both way low. My free light Kappa's are high. MM people will know what all that means. For the non-MM people it just means that my MM is there and doing what it does.

Good news: Because of the weight loss (over 35lbs so far) and exercise, my cancer numbers were down on July 1st. My oncologist thinks that if I can maintain my weight loss and exercise program I can keep the cancer numbers in check for a long time.

So it was an interesting year. Some ups and some downs. I go and get my cancer numbers again on November 1st and see my oncologist mid-November. I'm excited and a little nervous to see the numbers are but I guess I always will be. My goal is to follow my oncologist's plan and hopefully keep the numbers in check W/O chemo. I know that probably won't last forever, but I will take what I can get. I feel good and I know that God is in charge of all this.

The body is sick, but thanks to Jesus the soul is alive and well...

Ok... I'm working now...

2010-09-06T17:26:00.000-07:00

School is over and I have a week behind me on my new job. It is crazy !! There is still a lot to learn and the first of the week was NUTS. Add to that, they gave us Friday off because the current sales team won a contest. I kinda got the swing of things on Thursday. All in all it has been fun and a challenge all at the same time.

I had to reduce my riding goal as I just don't have the time to learn my new job, take care of the house and spend 3 hours on my bike 4 times a week. I'll do fine with 75 miles a week instead of 125 to 150 miles per week.

My weight is staying in line with what my oncologist wants it to be. I think I'll keep my focus OK even with the new job. I guess I'll find put in November when I have my next blood test.

Well that's all that is happening in my life...

The body is sick, but thanks to Jesus the soul is alive and well...

I have a job... now what....

2010-08-04T15:41:00.000-07:00

I got hired this week!!! I'll be working for Yellow Book USA as a sales rep. and I'm sure it is a very good fit for me. I've done outside sales before and did well. This is my first base pay plus commission job, so that will be new. I have always been on a just salary job and that is also both good and bad. My Experian Bureau Manager job would have made me a lot more if commissions were involved, but the bank I worked for, well, we we would have starved. So, I'm not really worried about doing OK on this job, it is just different.

I have 3 weeks of training in Irvine Ca. Jenni will come down for the weekend between the first and second week. Then they will fly me home between the second and third. I've also done that before so Jenni and I are OK with that plan. Then I will only travel once in a while.

The thing I'm kinda worried about is my weight and exercise program. I have focused on both of those to control the cancer. It has worked well and the cancer numbers are down and most of the other blood test show improvement. Only thing of concern is the WBC count still going down, but I digress. I will have a lot less time to exercise and I will be eating out more for 3 weeks. The hotel has a gym and I can watch what I eat. I will figure that out when I get there. Hopefully they will have a fridge and a microwave in the room. That will help, a lot!

I had a cold the first of the week and it seems to be gone after my ride today. I guess the bike riding is supporting the "good" immune cells. All in all very excited about going back to work and getting that part of my life back together.

The body is sick, but thanks to Jesus the soul is alive and well...

It worked... now comes the hard part

2010-07-20T15:31:00.000-07:00

My Oncologist told me, at my last visit that, if I lost 30lbs and started to push the exercise I might be able to lower my cancer numbers. Well, I didn't really believe him. But I thought that I should give it the old college try. I was having problems with my feet burning and legs that had no energy reserves so I was only able to ride about 5 miles before I just couldn't go on. He put me on some meds. to fix that and it worked great. So I started to ride, like I rode years ago getting ready for a century ride. The medication allowed me to really challenge myself. So I put 100% effort into exercise & my weight loss.

I used a web site called (myfitnesspal.com) and it is great. It is free and very simple to use and it worked. Before my last blood test I had lost the weight and was riding 100 miles+ per week.

When I got my results I was shocked. All my numbers had moved closer to the normal range! My IGG went from 2400 down to 2100. My M-spike stayed the same. My kidney tests were now normal and so was my RBC. My WBC was still a little low but better than last time! By golly it seems to have worked. My oncologist was more excited than I was. He kept pointing to the test results and saying "that's the proof!".

So now what? I'm good at focusing and getting things done. I'm also very good and just letting things go and worrying about it later. This is new to me. I just need to maintain where I'm at and what I'm doing. I've never tried that before. The Dr. doesn't want me to lose any more weight. He said that could be counter productive. He also wants me to keep my exercise where it is. So I'm learning a new skill. Maintaining where I'm at now. I have to eat more, that just feels wrong after 3 months of watching and recording every bit of food that I eat. Jenni is working with me on that. Helping me plan my food intake on days before long rides or the day after. I can't put enough food in my body to cover calories used after a 50+ mile ride. The riding plan is easy as it is something I really enjoy.

So things are going great here. My goal remains the same. To use the diet and exercise to control the MM as long as possible. My Dr. is hoping for it to work well enough to get it undetectable, but cautioned me to not jump on that as it is a BIG goal to accomplish and the MM might not cooperate. I feel great and I'm more positive about the future than I have been in a long while.

I'm getting stronger each and every day!

The body is sick, but thanks to Jesus the soul is alive and well...

The life your given vs. the life you make or to be sick or strong.

2010-06-29T15:50:00.000-07:00

We are all given things in life that we have no control of. We are male or female, white, black, Hispanic etc., we are short or tall, we are good looking or not, you get the drift. We also have things in life that happen to us that we have no control of, like injuries or sickness. We can do nothing about these so we have to just accept them and go on.

My body is sick... I have MM and at this point there is little that I can do to change that. The sickness is a daily part of my life. I get up and I have to take my pills. If I don't then my feet and legs are a mess. So, I get up and I go get my pills and start my day.

My Dr. told me that healthy people live longer. What he explained was I needed to get fit and lose the excess weight. It will do as much, if not more, than the treatments that I will have to do in the future. On my last ride, I realized what he was talking about was being strong. I can't help being sick but strong was up to me! It is a choice I have to make each and every day. To be as strong as I can, mentally, physically and spiritually. Sick or not we all have this choice each and every day. The the decision to be strong.

I know that as the cancer grows and things change that I will have to change also. I might not be able to bike ride. I might do well to just keep up some light exercise. I've come to realize that being strong doesn't mean you are the best at what you do. It just means you are the best at what you can do "NOW"!

It is easy to just throw up your arms and let the situation take over. It is harder to say, each day, that I will give the day all I have. At this point "all I have" is a lot. The cancer hasn't made my life that much different. Yes, I have peripheral neuropathy from it but it is well controlled. I'm riding 35 to 45 miles at a time 3 to 4 times a week and I'm averaging 16-17 mph doing it! I haven't been in this good of shape or this strong since leaving the Marine Corps! I've lost over 20lbs and I only have 10 more to go! I feel strong and it feels good!

My son and wife can attest that I don't have a competitive bone in my body. When I play softball, card games, board games etc. as long as everyone is having fun them I'm OK with that. I do strive to be the best I can be when it comes to a task I have in front of me. That spirit is what I tap into when I'm working on being strong. I push myself hard and in the end it is worth it.

So I will continue to push and be strong. It won't stop me from being sick but I'm NOT letting this cancer define who I am. I will live my life until it is over. I will count the miles and the pounds and stay as strong as I can. I will choose each and every day to be strong, cancer or not!

The body is sick, but thanks to Jesus the soul is alive and well...

It's done

2010-06-17T08:50:00.000-07:00

The Giant's 5k is done. We spent the weekend in San Francisco and we all finished the run/walk. We had 3 walkers, Jenni (my wife), Jan (my niece), and me. A family friend Crystal ran the 5k. I hurt my left calf many years ago and it stops me from doing longer runs. That isn't a problem as I really love riding my bike a lot more.

Although we had a great time with the Giants run I'm not thrilled with San Francisco. I'm a country boy and a lot of the stuff in the city I just don't get. The bad smells, the noise, and the strange people. I also don't get why they tax you for everything. It was $26.00 per night for hotel tax alone! There is a health tax on food above and beyond the normal state taxes. Parking cost $45.00 per night and even that is taxed! I told Jenni we won't be spending any more time in San Francisco. When I go to UCSF we will stay out of the city and drive in.

It also isn't kid friendly. We had strollers and walked back and forth between the hotel and Giants baseball park. Every time we took our life and the lives of our grand children in our own hands! Every time we walked with the strollers we had people turn their car in front of us while we had the right of way. I guess the 5 to 10 seconds they saved waiting for us to cross made a big difference in their life! It was crazy....

It is also not kid friendly as you don't know what your going to see. We are walking back to the hotel from lunch and a group of naked men were riding their bikes down the street! Yes, you read that right...NAKED MEN! In Redding they would get arrested and would be thrown in jail for public nudity. Nobody seemed to care in San Francisco. Now, I should have expected that as in the application for the run there was a caution not to do it naked. I have done a lot of formal bike rides locally and I have never been cautioned to not ride naked! Luckily we were able to distract most of the kids but one of our young girls make the comment "I saw his bottom"! Not good; as all the kids were under 7!

In the future I'll keep these activities in smaller towns in my area. At least I can avoid most of the crazy stuff.

We raised $590.00. Not a lot but I guess it all helps.

The body is sick, but thanks to Jesus the soul is alive and well...

Life just moves on...

2010-06-02T08:27:00.000-07:00

I haven't blogged lately, mostly because nothing new is happening here in California. My neuropathy is under control and I'm able to ride my bike and carry on with my life. I missed a dose last Friday morning because I was watching my grandchildren (3 of them) and by the afternoon it was ugly. Jenni says that she is now in control of making sure I take my pills. I guess these pills really do make a difference!

My bike riding is going well. I comfortably do 25 miles with an ave. speed of over 15 mph. I'm happy with that distance and ave. speed. I'll never go "pro" but it will keep me in shape and that's what it is all about.

My weight is slowly going down. I only have 10 lbs. to get to where my oncologist wants me to be. I have until July 15th to get there. I'm sure I can do it. I'm already down 17 lbs. and the plan continues...

I stopped taking my high blood pressure medication this morning! I've had to manage it very carefully when riding my bike. It was dropping to very low levels and I was getting weak and dizzy after my rides. The last week the weakness and dizziness was happening W/O a bike ride. I started tracking my blood pressure and it is staying in the 120/60 range all the time, even W/O the medication. I don't think any Dr. would be concerned with that range! So I'll stop taking it and just continue tracking it every few days. If it goes back up...then I'll start taking my pills again! Managing this doesn't take a rocket scientist so I feel OK doing it on my own. The exercise and weight loss is doing it's job!

Our run for MMRF is in less than 2 weeks in San Francisco. We didn't collect very much money (about $500) but I'm sure everything helps. I have 4 team members doing the run. I also have my son doing the 1/2 marathon. It includes a A's vs Giants baseball game so we should all have a very good time.

That's about all I have to go over. I feel great and I'm praying that my July MM #'s are down. I'm giving it all I have...

The body is sick, but thanks to Jesus the soul is alive and well...

The new outlook

2010-05-13T09:47:00.000-07:00

Things are looking up here at the Ritter household. Now that my meds are all figured out and I can ride my bicycle again. I feel like I lost 10 years in age. I'm riding with new purpose and feeling great doing it. I've really struggled with having Smoldering MM. It is something you watch, not something you treat! That doesn't fit my personalty. I'm a "let's get it done right now" sort of a guy.

On that note, I was able to spend some time talking to my oncologist. He said I needed to lose 20+ pounds, below 25% BMI, and add a bunch of exercise to my week. He then explained that it really wasn't a suggestion but part of his treatment plan. Now he had my attention! A treatment plan, NOW! He explained that although he didn't have any research to back it up, he has noticed that his patients with MM do much better when they follow his advise and get fit. He had several patients where their cancer numbers went down when they got in shape and stayed there. He did caution that it might not be my experience, but if it wasn't, then I would know I gave it all I could. I totally agree with that. I want to give myself all the advantages I can in fighting this thing. I never want to look back and ask myself, what if you had just done that? There is enough confusion just picking the many treatment options available for MM patients. This is a simple treatment that I feel can only help, not hurt.

So now when I'm thinking about not getting on the bike. Going ahead and having that big burger instead of something healthy. I just think to myself, are you going to skip your treatment medications when things get hard or when they make you feel bad? I then get off my butt and get it done or eat the way I know I should! My friends say that I'm crazy that way, I make up my mind and it just happens. I guess they are right about that, I never really just sit on the fence. I make up my mind and away I go.

Jenni is fully supporting me and is tagging along. We bought some Walmart comfort style bikes and she is riding with me about 2 or 3 times a week. This morning she asked to double our normal ride tomorrow! All I can say to that is "You go girl!!!".

On a sad note: We had a friend here in Redding die this week of cancer. He had a very nice wife and 3 young boys. All I can say is how sad that makes me. This cancer thing SUCKS, not just the MM but all cancer! It doesn't really care that you have 3 boys to raise, or if you have 5 grandchildren to watch grow up. When it hits it hits.

Well enough of the downer part because I do have a good outlook on what is happening. My life is full and surrounded by wonderful people both here in Redding and in the blogisphere.

The body is sick, but thanks to Jesus the soul is alive and well...

A change in Season

2010-05-05T08:36:00.000-07:00

It is spring here in Northern California and I like it. We are still getting some rain and wind but mixed in with that are sunny and 80+ degree days! The wild flowers are in full bloom,and me being a cyclist, I really get to enjoy it! We have lots of big open fields where I ride and there is no better time of year to ride by those fields. Nice and green and full of flowers. Things will turn brown much to soon but I will enjoy it as long as it lasts.

Jenni has also noticed my mood change. Mostly because of the medication for my PN. However; I think some of it is the nicer weather and being able to get out and ride. When I ride I can think, and I usually don't think "bad" when I'm on the bike. I normally feel strong and that helps me feel positive about my health and life in general.

I've also noticed a change in the bloger's postings lately, more positive and uplifting. I think spring has that effect on people. The clouds are going away, we can be outside doing things and the sun is bright, warm and inviting. It picks up the spirit and you really do think you can take on the world again.

I'm also watching a web cam of 3 new eaglets growing up in a nest. It's fun watching new life grow. It is a great use of the internet. Even 5 years ago you couldn't really watch something like that on a day to day basis. Just this week the chicks have gone from gray down feathers to more adult black feathers and are starting to stand up!

So we have new life all around us and it makes you understand that life is a cycle. It begins, grows, reproduces and then it is gone, all to start again the next spring. What a wonderful system God has created!

I hope everyone can enjoy this spring, even if it includes cockroaches..right Dan?

The body is sick, but thanks to Jesus the soul is alive and well...

Balancing the drugs....

2010-04-29T10:28:00.000-07:00

I've never been one to keep taking pills. I took them to fix something, an infection, a hurting arm, neck pain etc. Then off them and on with life. So about 1.5 years ago my regular doctor and I made the decision it was time for me to hit the blood pressure medication. So that was my first pill I took every day. Then came the cancer and my oncologist had me start taking vitamins every day. I had never taken them before because Jenni is a great cook and I felt I had a balanced diet and didn't need any. I trust my oncologist so I followed his advise and the number of pills went to 4.

Then came my peripheral neuropathy and the number jumped to 5 at one time, one later in the day. He is also having me lose 20lbs and increasing my exercise. Jenni isn't happy about the 20lbs. She thinks I will be to skinny. But again I trust my oncologist so I'm complying.

After the PN pills I started feeling GREAT when I worked out. I increased my bike miles from 11 to 21 miles and increased my ave. speed from 13 to just below 16 mph. A much better workout. However; something new kicked in. I was very light headed, to the point that I couldn't stand but for a few min. after the workout. I always take my blood pressure at 30 min. post workout and it was getting down to 112/58. It is probably lower than that when I first get back. I guess that is just to low. I made the decision to not take my blood pressure medication before a big workout. I've tried that twice now and both times my blood pressure has stayed up and I've felt much better. It looks like a very simple fix. So the next question was, go off it completely? Well I took my blood pressure yesterday after about 2 hours post workout and it was 142/78. Still to high on the top number so I'll keep going on it, I'll just be careful before workouts.

Again, I would like to thank the other bloggers for their posts on managing their medications. It gave me the confidence to make the change and go with it. If their examples are any lesson, it's that I'm probably just starting down the road to managing my medications.

The body is sick, but thanks to Jesus the soul is alive and well...

Strange Blessings from cancer....

2010-04-26T10:05:00.000-07:00

Who would ever say that cancer can have blessing associated with it. That would be crazy, right? However; it is my experience that cancer, as bad as it is, does come with some blessings. I have lived my life trying to always look for something to be happy about in all situations. I think that a positive attitude carries you further down the line than a negative one. That being said, this has caught me by surprise. It crept up on me...without me realizing it was there.

I was talking to my pastor last night after church. I was telling him about the people I'm met and the things I have going on, because of the diagnoses of cancer. It got me thinking more about what I was really saying to him, and myself. Has God really used this cancer to change my life for the better? I have to say a definite YES!

Before I started this walk I did things in the community with my hands. I worked on church bathrooms, I mowed lawns, painted. I was a volunteer fireman for 25+ years. I gave platelets to the local blood bank since I was in my early 20's. All things I could do without giving of my heart and soul. At that point in my life I think that is what God needed me to do. Somethings I think strong hands are just what is needed.

About 5 or so years ago I went on a very large forest fire and at the end of it, I had the realization that it was a younger mans game. So the fire fighting thing came to an end. During the last few years I have noticed that the requests for these strong hands has come less and less. I've noticed the younger men being asked and I've had to jump in and say, me to! Then comes the cancer and the platelet donations have to stop. I realized a season of my life was slowing coming to an end. Now what!

I started to research the cancer to really find out what it was all about. I started to find blogs and I started to read them.

As I read the blogs, I started caring about the people on the other side of the computer! Not just as bloggers but as people. I was worried about their daily struggles with treatment, side effects and daily living with MM. I started to support them, encourage them, just small words to let them know I was here and I cared and was praying for them, daily! Now I have friends all around the world! People I care about, yes, really care about. I've never met a one of them in person but it doesn't seem to matter. It is a joy to read and pray for them each and every day. What really caught me by surprise was that it started to be a blessing, to me, to do that! To make a little difference in somebody's life.

Then came the shocker for me. I follow a blog from a person named Dan. Now Dan is going through his 3rd bone marrow transplant. This time with cells from his brother. I was reading and commenting at every blog post he made. I would worry and pray for him as his transplant got closer and closer. One day he blogged about something his daughter had said. Dan I hope you don't mind me coping this from your blog but this is what it said, " Julia called me the other night, "dad, who is Steve Ritter? How do you know him?" Well, I know him only by his blog. "Well, he certainly is a nice man," she responded. Yes, all of you who continue to support us are very nice, indeed. Thank you.". WOW... Dan & his daughter noticed what I said! For the next two days I had a smile half a mile wide. It really is something I can do...Support and pray. It was and is still a blessing that Dan and Julia gave me and for that I will always be thankful.

In my research I found out that this cancer was rare and I only expected to find a few, if anyone, in my area who had it! Well I was wrong. There was a article in the paper from a wonderful woman who had it and she was starting a support group. I didn't go for awhile, I didn't need a support group right now! Next was a project I started. I'm doing a fund raising walk/run for MM research through the MMRF. I thought to myself "the local MM support group was a good place to take fliers to drum up more help with that!" So Jenni and I went to the group with the fliers. I had a great time. I understood where they were coming from. I got to tell my story and enjoyed listening to their stories. There were a lot more patients and care givers than I thought there would be in our small area! I came home and started to think, it is always dangerous when I start thinking! My thought was "it was nice to be there on Saturday once a month but what if somebody needed some support during the rest of the month?" I emailed the lady who started the group with the idea of starting a web page for the group. To make a vehicle for them to get support from the group between group meetings. What a positive response I got back. She was hoping and praying that somebody could do a web page for them! I got busy.. The page is ready to go this week and I'm real excited to see it launch!

So, it is kind of crazy to say that there are blessings in having cancer but in a strange way it is true. It has opened a whole new season of my life. I feel good physically so I have the ability to go out there and really make a difference in myeloma patients lives. I'm know I'm just starting down this path but I also know wherever it takes me the blessings will be mine. God has walked me into a new season of my life. One that allows me to still use my hands but also my heart and soul. He really does know what he is doing!

Last I would like to thank all the patients and care givers that I have come to care about, Karyn, Nick, Pat, Ruth & FL in Scotland, Susie in the UK, Denise (Tim's wife), Katy here in Anderson Ca., and finally all the other people I've come to know in the short 6 months since I've started down the MM path. Knowing you is a blessing to me and I pray each and every day that your fight, or your support of a love one fighting, will be successful and that good health and happiness comes your way. I know that it has come my way! I'm also confident there will be more good people to get to know down the road!

The body is sick, but thanks to Jesus the soul is alive and well...

Another very short post

2010-04-22T09:46:00.000-07:00

I've been on my medication for a week now. It started out rough but after a week all the side effects are gone. My feet feel like feet 90% of the time, I've not had the latex glove feeling in my hands for several days. Even after 10 or so hours the pills seem to be working.

My exercising is going well. The medication, Gabapentin 300 MG - Twice a day, is helping me. My legs don't have that heavy, fatigue feeling at about 5 miles. I haven't "hit the wall" even on longer rides. I can get deep breaths when climbing hills. I still get tired but it is a normal tired. More riding will help take care of that! How much is this the medication? I'm not sure but I'm glad to be where I'm at now.

The body is sick, but thanks to Jesus the soul is alive and well...

Feeling great

2010-04-17T07:58:00.000-07:00

Just a quick post today. Just wanted to update the last post about my new medication. All the side effects are almost gone now. I expect that to get better and better as the week goes by. My feet and hands keep feeling better. I can tell when it gets about 8 to 10 hours since my last dose because my feet start heating up and my hands get less sensitive to touch. Not even close to what I was feeling before the medication. It keeps me on schedule taking my next dose.

I wanted to try a ride on my bicycle. I got out about 7 miles and the wall wasn't there! My legs didn't have that heavy fatigue feeling, my hands weren't asleep on the handlebars, and I could get a deep breath in on the hills. I started to really push the ride! I was enjoying being out there again. It almost brought tears to my eyes..If I wasn't smiling like a little league boy with his first real home run!! I must have looked silly to the people driving by. A guy riding a bike with a great big grin.

My wife is liking the new and improved me. She said it was nice having me back again. I didn't realize how much this has affected me. I'm sleeping all night and I'm sure that is a big part of all this.

So...It's Saturday and I'm off to my grand daughters soccer game. This time in tennis shoes like a normal person.

The body is sick, but thanks to Jesus the soul is alive and well...

Figuring out the Puzzle and learning to talk to your doctor

2010-04-15T09:01:00.000-07:00

I got my numbers back from my blood test and most I understood. The ones I didn't understand, I made the decision to ask my Oncologist about so I made an appointment. Now you have to understand that I was a Marine and a firefighter. When things hurt or you don't feel up to par....so what... You have a job to do so get it done! When you have a fighter aircraft to get in the sky or you have a fire or medical call, you have to give 100%. It really doesn't matter how you feel. People are counting on you to do the job and do it well. Lives really can count on that and the good marines & firefighters take that seriously. I have learned that lesson well and mostly live my life that way. So when I started to have numb burning feet..well I'll just live with it.

The other part of this story is I'm smoldering Myeloma. Read up on that and all the information says that smoldering is asymptomatic. I should not have any symptoms at this time so it can't be the myeloma! Well; the hot feet got to the point that I couldn't wear normal shoes. Jenni took me to buy sandals. I don't really like sandals. They are never the go to foot wear for me. Last Saturday was cold and a bit rainy. My grand daughter had a soccer game. I wore my sandals but by the time I got to the field I had to take them off. My feet were on FIRE, wearing sandals! Less than 50 degrees and here I am with a coat and waving my bare feet in the air to cool them off. I must have looked crazy! I made the decision to speak to the doctor about them.

Yesterday was my appointment. I was a little embarrassed to even bring it up. I told him my sad story and he very quickly said "Myeloma induced peripheral neuropathy"! I said "but I'm only smoldering and I shouldn't have symptoms". He smiled and said it not that simple. Wow, what a shock that this cancer isn't simple. We as MM patients find that out fast. He gave me a prescription.

I got the prescription and took one about 6:30 last night. Within a hour I wasn't feeling well at all. I was a little dizzy, a little sour in the stomach and sleepy. I made it until 9:30. I went to bed with feet on fire and sick. I was really upset thinking that these pills were not going to work. Next thing I know it is 5:30 in the morning. My feet felt like feet, my hands felt like hands. My arms hadn't gone asleep and my legs didn't ache. I felt rested and ready to hit the day. Now my wife is quietly sleeping and I wanted to wake her up and scream about how good I felt. No, I didn't do that, but I wanted too! So I waited until the alarm went off and she had her shower. I started to tell her how I felt. She summed it up better than I can so this is what she said, "You're acting like scrooge on Christmas morning". I was, I wanted to go outside and tell everyone just how good it feels to be back to myself. Can I do a handstand now???? The pharmacist said it could take up to 7 days for my system to get use to the medication. A small price to pay to feel this good.

On my numbers... most were up but not so much as to be a concern yet. Renal function numbers are out of normal, but not enough to worry about. Cancer numbers are up but going up slowly.

I guess I need to learn to not be so Marine about this stuff in the future. Myeloma is a complex puzzle that each of us needs to put together with the help of our doctors. What happens to you may not happen to me and visa-versa... My myeloma has a symptom and it can be fixed, if I just let my doctor know. Now comes the hard part. To learn what is important and what is just normal. It's complex but I think with my wife and doctor I'll find the balance.

The body is sick, but thanks to Jesus the soul is alive and well...

It's just a number & the blessing and a curse...

2010-04-06T18:18:00.000-07:00

I got my test results today. My first focus was on my M-spike... It has become my score of where my myeloma is now and is going. It has ranged from 1.6 to 1.9. It came in today at 2.0! Looking at it logically it is really close to what it has been. However; it is my first 2. I don't want a 2 in my score. Now I also know that it varies from test to test and could be back in the 1's in 90 days. I explained it to Jenni this way. You have worked hard to get your weight under control. You get down to 165.00. You had a hard weekend and you look at your weight and it is 169.9! Now you don't like that number but at least it didn't go up to the next level. You get on the scale the next day and now you weigh 170.0. Only one tenth of a pound but psychologically it is a big difference. Crazy right???

Now I had some additional tests done. I really didn't know what they meant. There were several that were high and I needed to know why and what the test measured. I went on the internet and found them one by one. All but one said the reasons that they could be high...add several conditions that could cause it... Multiple Myeloma was always the first reason on the list. That made total sense.

One was different. It was a MCH test. It was also high and I spent about an hour trying to find out what it was all about. I finally found out when your MCH is high your B12 is low. One of the symptoms of that was burning feet or hands! I have been fighting that symptom for about a month now!

I called my oncologist and asked his nurse if it was a problem and should I see the Dr. about it? She said yes, with authority, and transferred me directly to the front office to get me in. It will be nice if I can just take a B12 shot and go on with life. Myeloma can cause your B12 to get low because the cells that store it are affected by the myeloma... But... Self diagnoses using the web? That is the curse of all this. The web doesn't know me, my myeloma or all the stuff this cancer can cause. They just dump all the reasons, causes and cures out there for you to figure it out on your own! Maybe I'm right and it will be easy to fix, maybe I'm wrong and it won't be as simple.

The blessing is you can find out some things without the cost of a Dr. visit. You hear a snip it of information and you get on line to figure it out. The internet is always there to help. Then for some things it can freak you out! For those times you just need to put the computer away, try to relax and trust your oncologist, the internet curse.

So I'll go and spend some time with my Dr. ask all the questions about the tests and hopefully go away with a better understanding of where I'm going...on this walk God has put me on!

The body is sick, but thanks to Jesus the soul is alive and well...

Out of my comfort zone

2010-03-31T11:13:00.000-07:00

I'm trying something new... Something I have never done before....

I'm setting up a fund raiser through the MMRF. It is a run that is already scheduled for June 12th in San Francisco. http://sanfrancisco.giants.mlb.com/sf/giant_race/index.jsp

I have set up a team of 5 runners/walkers so far and I even have a couple of donations! It is easy so far but the BIG fund raising hasn't started yet. I'm working just as hard to see if I can get additional people to run/walk and get donations! I created a fund raising page with the MMRF. They take care of the $$ donated so I won't have to track and bank a bunch of cash and checks! That's good news as I'm always unsure about people who are just asking for cash. I wonder if that cash really gets to the cause. This way it is directly through the foundation and my donors can be sure of where their $$ are going.

Here is my donation page: http://www.active.com/donate/2010RunOwnRace/Stevenritter

I really hope this works well and my team and I can collect some serious $$ to fight this cancer.

I'll keep the blog updated on our progress.

The body is sick, but thanks to Jesus the soul is alive and well...

I guess I'm guilty of being dog crazy...

2010-03-29T15:50:00.000-07:00

Jenni and I planned a nice trip to Tahoe to watch the grandchildren while my daughter & her husband did some business stuff. We also planned a day just for us. It was a great weekend filled with us, kids and fun.

One problem was what to do with our new 4 month old puppy. She is crate trained and doing really well and we were letting her be a puppy before I started doing formal training. We have never had to board our dogs before because of our previous situations. Kids at home or just having dogs old enough to take care of themselves, with a little help from family. We had left Lucy, our puppy, with her mom last time. However, Lucy is growing fast and is full of all the energy that a Brittney is known for. She has become just too much for her mom to handle.

We got a referral from a trusted friend about a family that did dog boarding close to our house. Now this friend has had dogs for years and we know them to be loving, caring people who I would leave Lucy with in a second! However, again Lucy is a puppy and a handful, and they are also getting use to a new dog in their family.

I called and spoke to the boarder and he seemed very nice. We went over Lucy, her being a puppy, me holding off on formal training etc... He seemed like a good fit and affordable. I made the appointment.

Upon getting there I was taken back by where they were going to keep Lucy at night. It was 2 rows of large dog carriers, the kind you transport your dog to the vet in. However, I told myself it was only at night and Lucy was small. The lady seemed a little strange and I got a uncomfortable feeling. We had to leave that day so I had few options. I went over Lucy with her and she put Lucy in the play yard.

About 1/2 hour before we left she called me. She said that Lucy's ears were really dirty and she would like permission to clean them. I said OK. She said she was surprised that she didn't have an infection. That surprised me because I had Lucy into my vet just a few days before. They always do the same thing each time. They pull her ears back and look/smell them, look in her mouth, press on her tummy ect.. Then they take care of whatever I have taken her in for. I was surprised that they didn't say anything. No problem having her clean Lucy's ears... wrong...

She then said that Lucy chased her cat. I told them Lucy chased cats. She is a bird dog. She chases them and when she gets close she just points at them.. That's what pointer's do... She doesn't want to catch it just get close and point. She said to correct it she used a pinch collar and the problem stopped. Remember it was 1/2 hour before we left and I didn't know what a pinch collar was. I asked if other than that, if Lucy was OK. She said she was.

On to the vacation....

On Sunday Jenni called and asked how late we could come get Lucy. She said 6:00pm no later. If we were later Lucy would have to spend another night. She then said that she forgot to tell me that the ear cleaning was an additional $15.00! Jenni got off the phone and said she wanted her dog back NOW! She also didn't have a good feeling about her being there.

I agreed and we headed home as fast as we could and not get a ticket. We got there with 20 min. to spare and took our puppy home. When we got home Lucy, as excited as she was headed right for her food. She ate and ate and ate. When she was done I checked her ears. They were clean except a cut where she nicked her ear trimming the hair.. Now I'm getting mad. I then looked up what a pinch collar was.

They used this thing on my puppy! I looked it up and all the good trainers said you never use one of these things on a puppy! They should only be used by a trained professional and only to change dangerous behavior like running into the street or fighting! This boarder used one on my puppy without my permission!

Well I think you can guess I'm never going to take my puppy back there again. These people are nuts.

I take a lot of pride in having the best trained dog in the block. I have never had to resort to these types of training tools. I think that if you use love, caring and a positive experience a dog will want to do what you are asking of it. Training should always be fun and a positive experience for the dog. It has always worked for me! And yes...I think I have always had the best trained dog on the block.

I'm really sad that Lucy had to go there. It is my fault because I didn't do my homework and insure that she was in a safe loving environment. Now I will take some time and go find a boarder that will fit Lucy's and my needs... It is only the right thing to do!

The body is sick, but thanks to Jesus the soul is alive and well...

A learning experience...

2010-03-23T21:11:00.000-07:00

I made my last blog and then modified it and sent it off to some TV, News Paper and that type of places. I thought it was a different take on all this Health care stuff. I got a call from my local TV station asking me to do an interview on the subject...

I agreed and I made a promise to myself that I would just keep to the facts! No opinions, positive or negative, on the pros or cons of health care. Just my concerns about what has happened to me concerning government health care, my being turn down and what that holds for my future.

I knew there was a risk doing this. I have heard horror stories about people doing interviews that came out 180 degrees different than what they expected. I told myself that if I kept to the truth, didn't overstate what has happened and kept it positive, I should be OK... I was WRONG!!!!!

A very nice reporter came to my house. She asked me questions for about 1/2 hour. I explained what I went through and the outcome. I also explained Jenni's and our discussion about our finances and further treatment options. I also made the point that I was basing all this on my situation as it stands right now. We then went into the video part of the interview. She asked me basically the same questions and I gave the same answers. We then went around the house doing "set up shots". Later in the day she told me the interview would be on at 6:30pm.

I watched it and was shocked & horrified ! I was embarrassed and I really just wanted to crawl in a hole! It was NOTHING about why I agreed to do the interview! I came across as a whining, feel sorry for me person who is just waiting for government health care to solve my problems! They did that by basically running the "set up shots" and doing voice overs!

I emailed all my friends and family and apologized for what they saw and I emailed the reporter with my disappointment. The good news is that she agreed to pull my story from airing again. It could have aired at 11:00pm and on the morning show. I have my DVR set to record those times so we will see if she was being truthful with me.

I guess this is a lesson learned. Don't trust the media to report an honest story! I will never look at stories in the news in the same light again. It is really true, when you give an interview you don't know how it will be spun.

I think it is really sad that America has come to this point. That nobody can question the political correctness of a government program. Even if to just ask some simple questions. The story is killed, the experience is behind me and I'll keep smiling and supporting all my great new MM friends...

The body is sick, but thanks to Jesus the soul is alive and well...

Heath Care Reform

2010-03-22T09:15:00.000-07:00

Jenni and I are scared.

They did it. They passed the health bill. So now what? I'm an unemployed prior Marine who has cancer and was flat turned down for VA Benefits (government health care). Now they have made it so my personal health care benefit premiums will sky rocket to the unaffordable level.

My assets and savings can only go so far. I don't see myself using them all up to fight this cancer and leaving Jenni without any reserve for her senior years. She asked me this morning "what can I do to help you now?" I had to tell her I didn't know. Her eyes teared up and so did mine. How can you tell a wife that we just have no options left.

One thing I have learned is this is an expensive cancer to fight. My savings would be gone in a matter of weeks/months when I start needing treatment. We would have to use it all, sell the house etc. I just can't/won't do that to Jenni! I have loved and cared for her too long! It cost me about now $3500.00 per year just to keep an eye on my cancer. That doesn't include any treatment. It can cost over $8000.00 per month for drug treatment, not including hospital or clinic costs!

They say that some Americans can expect Government benefits is 4 or 5 years..but only some of us... I've already been turned down for VA. They were very nice, they nicely showed me the door. Jenni will have to quit her job and we will have to sell our home to even come close to getting the VA to provide benefits. So what will we do until the new benefits kick in?

I will continue to do the things I've been doing. I will look for employment, I'll take my daily pills, eat right and exercise, and yes...pray..

I guess the only thing I can do now is tell my story to as many people as will listen until next November and maybe get a representative who will really care about his/her constituents.

This is also the last political post I will put in my blog. I understand that there are other M/M patients out there with other points of view. I hope this Health bill works out for them better than it will for Jenni and I. I don't want to make my blog uncomfortable for them to read. I pray for all of them daily to beat this cancer.

Jesus never promised us a long life here on earth. He only promised that he would be there for us when we need him. Like my pastor said "Pit happens"... I'm just glad that Jesus is here with us in this pit. I'll be fine... Now back to smiling and getting the best out of the life I have left!!!

What a sad day for America. :-(

The body is sick, but thanks to Jesus the soul is alive and well...

Life is Good

2010-03-16T09:24:00.000-07:00

I think God is up in heaven just laughing at me....Yes, I think he has a sense of humor.

Last blog I was down about the savings $$$ just slipping away. I was really scared to do my taxes because of the unemployment etc. Well; we got a good refund back... The Lord once again is taking care of the Ritter clan! I'm glad he doesn't do things based on my limited faith...

The weather is turning and getting nice up here in Northern Cal. It is bumping up against 80 degrees this week. That has given me a good window to get back on the bicycle. That always helps my mood as I have a lot of alone time to think. It also makes my mood good because I'm doing something other than worrying about the stuff in my life. So I get a double dose of good mood and that's a good thing.

The puppy is growing like an unwanted weed! She is almost 20 lbs! What a hand full but I'm also really enjoying her. She is getting old enough to start some very basic training. She does great, still a puppy, but she is getting the basics down.

Really nothing new on the SMM front. I'm just waiting to go do my next blood test. That will happen April 1st. Staying on my vitamins and calcium. My cold is now gone :-)!!!

That's about all.. life is good at this point.

The body is sick, but thanks to Jesus the soul is alive and well...

Health care costs

2010-03-08T13:42:00.000-08:00

Kind of a sad day today. I got ANOTHER bill from UCSF... They want another $700.00! Now don't get me wrong, they gave me great care and attention and I trust them. However on unemployment it is eating my savings alive! I consider myself blessed that we were able to save when I was working. I have the $$ for now.

I applied for Government run health care, VA benefits, they were also very nice... they nicely showed me the door. No help there. I have to be homeless and on the street for another full year before they will even consider me for health care. Plus Jenni works and because of that I still don't think I would qualify. Maybe I need to divorce her and then just live in sin...Just kidding Sweetheart!

So some decisions need to be made. I'm smoldering and at this point, not needing any treatment. The quarterly blood tests are all I need until next December, very affordable. They want me to do a bone marrow biopsy once each year with bone scans. My M-Spike is 1.9 right now. If my M-Spike stays below 3.0 I think I will forgo the biopsy, very high cost procedure. I can call Dr. Martin and get the whole body scan prescription and re-new the blood tests until I go past 3.0. That will save me all the high cost testing and hold the money in savings until I really need it. I know that comes with risks. I know of one M/M patient who's M-Spike was low but was at 80+ on the plasma count! However; nobody ever told me life was W/O risk. We need to manage that risk and move ahead...

I get emails from the support group in San Francisco and they offered help with deductibles and co-pays but I don't think I'm there yet. There are patients who couldn't get much needed "treatment" without that help. I don't want to go there and maybe prevent that help from being used for a person who is actively treating this cancer. I know with smoldering myeloma I'm in a strange category and being in this situation doesn't make it any less weird.

Soooooo....I'm keeping a smile on my face and a spring in my step knowing that today is the day the Lord has made and I will rejoice and be glad in it! He will take care of me or call me home... Both are acceptable options!

The body is sick, but thanks to Jesus the soul is alive and well...

Trip to San Francisco & MMRF Seminar

2010-03-05T15:04:00.000-08:00

Jenni and I made a day trip to San Francisco. We walked the pier and had a nice time at lunch together. We went to Jack's crab shack near the pier. Don't go there... It was just OK food and the beer I had was watered down :-(. The lunch cost a bloody fortune and wasn't worth it. We then went to Pier 39 and bought some candy for home. Driving to Union Square I got stopped by the SFPD because I can't drive in the city. I didn't get a ticket, just a warning and I'm sure a good laugh by the officer.. City people always get a good chuckle about us rural folk. Then Jenni and I shared a great piece of cheese cake at Cheesecake factory at the top of Macy's.

After that it was time to go to the seminar put on by the MMRF. Several good speakers and 4 topics of interest to M/M patients. I came away with a much better knowledge of how the MM cancer cells work and how they are taking that knowledge and targeting treatments to attack the cells. They went over the new and improved treatments and the future of clinical trials. They also had a speaker on supportive treatments. It was a lot of info but well worth the trip. Jenni just said her head hurt from all the data!

I did come away with a feeling that I was there too soon in my walk with this cancer. They made several mentions of smoldering M/M patients but they stopped before giving any helpful information. I'm getting a little frustrated because I feel SMM patients are the step children of the M/M world. We just wait & wait & wait.... It might be better for me to consider going to this kind of seminar after I need to start treatment. I trust my MM oncologist, Dr. Martin (he presented the clinical trials part of the program), so to wait until I'm in active MM might be a better plan. In their own words, "things are changing at the speed of light". Information gained now might be out of date by the time I'm needing treatment.

I really don't know what to expect & when. Like I've said before I'm not good at waiting, I like to take clear and quick action. However; when "they" talk about smoldering myeloma "they" just always say watch and wait.

We met a great couple setting in front of us. He also has SMM and was diagnosed about the same time as I was. I got his name and contact information and gave him mine. It will be nice having a contact who is in the same stage as I'm in! They have been to some support groups and Jenni and I would like to meet them again at one if we can work it out.

I guess I'm being selfish about all this. The patients with active MM are the ones who need the help more than me. So... in that vein... I'll stop complaining and be glad I'm where I'm at, and the blessing of the time I have before I really need treatment! OK..I'm back to my same old smiling self.....:-)

We left before the question and answer part because we had a long drive ahead of us to get home. Jenni and I had a nice dinner at Chili's and we got home about 11:30pm. That's really late for me as I'm a morning person but we made it OK.

All in all a great day of fun and information and both Jenni and I are glad we went. I would like to thank the MMRF for putting it on.

The body is sick, but thanks to Jesus the soul is alive and well...

The balance.... and being brave.

2010-02-26T12:50:00.000-08:00

I just got the news, through a daily blog I read, that a blog friend's Multiple Myeloma is coming back :-(. His "M" Spike is recording at .3. Now considering my "M" Spike is 1.9, at my last blood test, it sounds like he is doing better than me. However, he has fought this cancer from a high "M" spike to zero and was in remission. Not what I'm looking at in any way. He is looking at getting back in the fight and I'm just sitting off the coast waiting to hit the beach sometime in the future.

It did bring up some deep feelings that I don't think he expected, duh... but that is the way of this, and I assume any cancer. It hits you at a very basic level. The diagnoses of cancer changes the way you look at life, your future and your family. It brings feelings up to the surface that sometimes you would just as well leave buried way down and left in the back of your mind. Also as a patient, when somebody you know starts back down this road you can't help but put yourself in their shoes. How would I deal with the cancer coming back? I'm not sure..and hope it isn't a problem for me anytime soon.

You hear cancer patients being called "brave" a lot. I always thought that was kinda silly. To me being brave was dealing with something scary "head on" instead of running away. So how could somebody be brave when they have no choice? I now know they are not being brave because of the fight but because of how they "choose" to handle the fight! It would be easy to drop your head and crawl into a corner and just let it happen to you. I'm sure there are patients out there doing that. But these brave people don't do that! They strive every day to walk the balance beam between the cancer and a hopeful life ahead. My friend always ends his blog with "Feel good and keep smiling! Pat", Pat, I hope you don't mind me putting that in here! In fact, he was the inspiration to me having a catch phrase at the end of my blog. It shows why I think he is brave, he has chosen the path of being positive and DOING something to stay focused on living his life. To not let the cancer take his life away before it is time.

I pray each and every day that I can be as brave as Pat. To use the situation given me in a positive way to help myself and others. I pray that maybe, just maybe, somebody will look at me someday and say he fought the brave fight. If so; I can thank people like Pat for showing me the way it is done! So... I will put a smile on my face, go pet my puppy, when my wife gets home I'll give her a kiss, hug my grandchildren and be thankful that I have a wonderful life, that this cancer can't stop me from living.

The body is sick, but thanks to Jesus the soul is alive and well...

Nothing new

2010-02-23T12:27:00.000-08:00

OK... it has been a while since I have blogged. I think the biggest reason is that nothing new is happening. As you read in my last blog I have been taking care of a new puppy. She is doing great, growing and learning. Other than having a large crate in the living room for her, and a gate stopping her from going down the hall way, life is mostly as normal as it can be with a puppy in the house. I'm studying how to train a bird dog. I've always had the best dog in the neighborhood, and I expect that to continue, but I've never trained a hunting dog. I have a lot to learn before I can start Lucy's training. She is less than 3 months old so she has over a month before the formal basic training starts at 4 months old. Then she will start field training at 5 months. I can already see the pointer, flusher in her and that's great! This should all be fun, for her and me.

Really nothing is new on the Myeloma front. I don't test again until April 1st. I'm just getting over about a 5 week cold. Jenni says we are changing roles on that. She use to get bad colds and keep them forever and I always only had them for a few days. Now you can reverse that :-(... Not a bad trade off considering my friends on chemo for this. Keeping them all in my thoughts and prayers. I read their blogs each and every day.

Also nothing new on the job hunting front. I've applied for several jobs that I would have really liked. Most don't even respond and some I get to the phone interview. Nothing seems to stick. I'm doing my best to stay positive and keep looking forward... Something will come along. I feel a good positive attitude will help in all areas of my life so I work hard not to let negative thoughts creep into my mind.

My grandkids are all fine and growing up. A great joy for me every day. I get to watch the 2 youngest girls each Tuesday afternoon so my oldest grand daughter can take dance lessons. When I get a job I'll miss that time.

That's about all from Steven land. I hope everyone reading this is doing well. I will try to be better at blogging in the future.

The body is sick, but thanks to Jesus the soul is alive and well...

2010-02-01T11:38:00.000-08:00

It's been a long time since I have posted to my blog. I guess the biggest reason is that things are going OK. I'm on hold for my Multiple Myeloma. Being placed in smoldering has let me just go on with life...as my Dr. suggested.. I'm still doing the things that I need to do to stay healthy. Taking my pills every day. new to me, and staying as active as I can in this cold wet season.

It's still blowing my mind that I have cancer and all is on hold. That I can wait and do nothing right now. My mind understands it but I still have a heart to start doing SOMETHING! I've not lived my life waiting to do things. If it needed to be done I just did it. I have a very good doctor, he came very well recommended and I trust him. I'll continue that trust and follow the plan.

To help me go on and live my life.. we bought a puppy. Lucy is a Brittney Spaniel and is just over 8 weeks old. What a hand full, but very smart and a joy to have around. It took us about 5 days to get her housebroken but that part is behind us. She is now sleeping all night and is getting crate trained as I write this. She has just started, the last 3 days, going into her crate by herself. She gets her toys, plays with her blankets and pads etc... We put in a doggy door and that has been very helpful. She likes the backyard and spends about 1/4 of her waking time out there.

My grand children are also getting use to having her here. She runs and jumps on them and that scares them at times. My oldest granddaughter, Emily is very scared of her. I expect that to pass as soon as I get Lucy trained a little more to follow orders. That will be some time in the future. I don't start formal training until after she is 8 months old. She needs to be a puppy first.

I'm still looking for work. Northern California is higher than the national ave. for unemployment and I can see that as I look for work. Not much is out there that pays even close to what I get on unemployment. Mostly part time work :-( I'll keep positive and keep up the looking every day. Something will come, it always has. On a positive note, we only owe on our home so that is good. We have taken a hit on our savings but we can keep it together with my unemployment and Jenni's job!!

The medical bills are starting to come in but we have been able to handle those as they come. I don't have the final bill on UCSF or my local hospital. I expect a large hit again on savings when they do come in. We have a $2500 deductible so I know we will at least have to pay that. I'm just glad we can afford the Medical insurance because the VA isn't interested in a veteran who isn't living on the streets. They just keep turning me down! So much for government health care! On a positive note: There is a sweet VA employee at the VA regional Office by the name of Beverly. She calls once or twice a month to see how I'm doing. Very kind and caring person who is also frustrated that the VA isn't there for us hard working veterans, so.... I know it is the VA itself not the employees who are the problem. Ok..off the soap box and back to positive...

I feel great! My family is doing well. I still have very high positive feelings that 2010 will be a great year for the Ritter clan.

The body is sick, but thanks to Jesus the soul is alive and well...

Steven

Go ahead and live your life

2010-01-11T08:44:00.000-08:00

Friday was my bone marrow biopsy review doctor appointment at UCSF. The one we have been waiting for since this all started in October. We were really ready to stop talking about the "I think" and move to "this is where you're at". We got that at this visit. So where am I at? I'm smoldering...

My Multiple Myeloma friends know what that means... For those who don't this is where I'm at:

I'm further along than being MGUS but I'm not full blown stage 1. My cancer plasma cell load in my bone marrow is right at 10%. I can stay in smoldering for years, if I'm lucky, or this might just be a phase I will move through. So far all the tests have pointed to this outcome. I'm very optimistic that I will stay here for a while! Dr. Martin did say I was very low in my Vitamin D. I don't think it really has anything to do with my M/M. He went ahead a ordered a re-test of my blood on Friday. They still had some blood left so I didn't have to get stuck again :) He will email me if I have to add vitamin D to my morning pill taking :-(.

Where do I go from here? Well I don't have to see Dr. Martin for a year if I stay stable. I have to take a blood test every 3 months. He wrote an order for that and I will take it to the lab on April 1st. The results will be sent to me, kinda strange but at least I don't have to pay for a Dr. visit. I will review the results and do nothing unless the numbers start to climb. If they do climb I will email Dr. Martin the test results and he will let me know if I need to step up the visits etc.

Once a year I will have to have a bone survey (x-rays), a bone marrow biopsy and a visit at UCSF. That will continue the rest of my life or until things move along.

One of the last things he said was "go home, forget about it and live your life". I don't think, at least for the short run, I will forget about it. I will go ahead and live my life. It isn't the best news I could have got, MGUS, but it is really close!

God let me meet a man in the waiting room. He was probably around 60 to 65 with a very nice wife. He was having a consult to figure out what the plan was for him after finding out the second bone marrow transplant didn't work! It put the news I got in perspective. It is a blessing to be where I'm at. My prayers go out to him, his wife and family. My new years resolution is to not waste this gift I've been given. To spend more quality time with my God, my wife, my kids, my grandkids and my friends (new and old)!!!!!

On other notes... We bought a new puppy, a Brittney Spaniel. She is 5 weeks old and we get to pick her up in a week or two. She is liver and white and adorable! We have had puppy's before so we know what is in store for us for the next year. It will be hard but a lot of fun.

I had to be taken by ambulance to the hospital on the Wednesday before Christmas because of really bad back pain. I couldn't move and wanted nobody to touch me. I have never had lower back pain before. They gave me some IV pain drugs, took some x-rays and then gave me some Norco and sent me home. I'm all better now. The strange thing is what has happened since then. I have had 2 problems. First numbness in my left foot and second left knee pain for several years. After this both are GONE!! Something must have moved...etc.. I never really thought about my lower back could be causing my knee pain. It is just another 2010 blessing. My foot numbness is back a little but still no knee pain. I'll wait for a month or so, as long as the pain stays away, and let all the Dr. bills come through. Then I will go see my GP to have him evaluate it all.

So that's it... I'm very happy where I'm at and 2010 is starting out great! I get to go ahead and live my life... what more could a man really want?

The body is sick, but thanks to Jesus the soul is alive and well...

Steven

Good-by 2009 and Good Riddance, you will not be missed....

2009-12-29T10:33:00.000-08:00

Now that 2009 is coming to a close I look back and it isn't a year I will miss. I've lived over 50 years and know that you have good years, not so good years, and bad years. Well, 2009 was a bad one for me. Most will think it's because of the cancer, that was one thing, but not all. I had a job that I hated every day I went to it and I finally lost it in July, a blessing & a curse. There hasn't been a good prospect for a new one at all in 2009. It was a year that I tried to get VA benefits and was told NO, I wasn't in the right sub group to get ANY help! If I was just a minority it would be easy. Because of the M/M I had to stop giving platelets to the blood bank. That was something I have done all my adult life and it gave me a lot of joy. It was a year that I had to deal with back pain for the first time. It was a year of medical tests, the likes of which I have never had to do before, and on and on...

The Multiple Myeloma has been a roller coaster ride. Since being diagnosed on October 14th it has gone from MGUS, to stage 1 and now maybe back to MGUS or smoldering Stage 1. Who knows... I just had my bone marrow biopsy and that should give me some answers. I'm hoping for a change in how the doctors talk about it. I want it to go from I think.... to it is... A small change but a good one for how I deal with it.

I had my first trip in an ambulance since becoming an adult last week. Tried to lift my granddaughter Allyson and felt a very sharp pain in my lower back. By the morning I wasn't able to move and didn't want anybody touching me. Long story short, not M/M related so the Dr. gave me some IV pain meds and then some Norco to take home and it is a lot better now. I've never had back pain like that before so that wasn't fun! I'm hoping it is a one time thing. However I have a plan if it happens again so I won't have to freak out and call an ambulance for help!

Sounds like I'm kinda depressed but I'm not. Like all years it wasn't all bad. I have a new grandson Nathan. He came in the world healthy and happy. That was a blessing. My family is mostly healthy, except for Allyson in the hospital from time to time for breathing stuff.

I'm really looking forward to 2010. 2010 has some very good prospects. I see my UCSF oncologist on January 8th. He will have the results of the bone marrow biopsy and a plan for treatment. It might be just doing blood tests every 3 month for ??? or if it is more than that at least I will know. I really like having a plan and being able to work that plan. While giving my biopsy marrow I was able to donate some marrow to the Multiple Myeloma Consortium for research... That kinda replaced losing the ability to give platelets at the blood bank, I feel good about that. All my children, grandchildren are doing fine and we are looking forward to watching Nathan do all the first year things, smiling, rolling over, sitting up and maybe his first steps. I'm hopeful that I can find a job and be a productive member of the work force. Jenni and I have been brought closer by the challenges and that's good. Even in the worse years I can always count on her being there for me, thank you & love you sweetheart... That is a good way to start 2010!

So... let 2009 be gone and good riddance...let 2010 get here and let it be one of the good years. God willing..

The body is sick, but thanks to Jesus the soul is alive and well...

Steven

And the wait goes on...with guilt

2009-12-21T14:51:00.000-08:00

Not much happening on the M/M front. I went to Dr. Martin at UCSF. He said I still might me MGUS or low level one M/M. He said it looked like I was walking the line between the two. He scheduled me for a Bone Marrow Biopsy on Monday December 28th. Then we will know. He said it will take 2 weeks to get the full results. Doctor Martin gave me the option of getting it done at UCSF or local. If I get it done at UCSF I can donate some marrow to the Multiple Myeloma Foundation for study. I figured if I had to have it done I might as well help out the research, plus Jenni and I will go early and make a day of it on Sunday.

I'm really not looking forward to the biopsy. A big needle pushed into a hip bone and then stuff pulled out. They will numb my hip but no way to numb the bone marrow! They say it really hurts when they remove it, but it is fast, they say!!! Anyway; you know me... Tough as nails practically indestructible!!! I'll live, and it is a small thing compared to what my friends are living with.

I read a blog of another M/M patient. He is in remission but might be starting to see some traces of the cancer again. He said, at times, he feels guilty for getting good news and doing so well when others are fighting so hard. I can really relate to that feeling. Getting the diagnosis of full M/M and then maybe back to MGUS...well I was thrilled but at the same time felt guilty for being so happy when some new friends are so sick. Crazy how this stuff works.

So I will keep smiling and be positive. Nothing we can do to speed up the test results, and it will be what it will be. Pulling for MGUS, even with the guilt... For those on the prayer list... pray for 10% plasma cells or less!!! I'll blog/Facebook the results when I know.

I have no clue....

2009-12-07T13:10:00.000-08:00

I'm sitting here thinking about the week to come. It was to have snowed last night but the storm missed us and went south to Sacramento. Almost never happens that way. I was looking forward to waking up to some snow and a nice hot cup of tea to watch it fall. I'm doing my best to stay focused and in shape, hard because it was 29 degrees outside this morning and only 39 degrees now and the wind is blowing at 18 mph. I do some yoga and Biggest Loser Boot Camp video's at home but it gets boring and I would rather be riding my bicycle.

My first visit to UCSF and Dr. Martin is this Friday. Jenni and I are taking off on Thursday and doing 2 nights in 2 separate hotels. Kinda a mini vacation before Christmas. We are ending up at my daughter's in-laws house for a nice lunch on Saturday. They are great people and we are looking forward to it. We should have a good time.

I wish I had some clue what to expect with the UCSF visit and Dr. Martin, I just don't. I go from thinking that I might be put on Chemo to thinking he will shake my hand and say "see you in 6 months". The truth is I really don't know. I haven't had my bone marrow biopsy yet and I'm sure that will be discussed. But what else will be discussed...who knows??? It is really hard to wait and I'm really not good at it.

Jenni is getting kinda tired of all the speculation on my part. She has stopped pretending and is saying flat out that she is in full denial on all this. I have no symptoms. I'm just the same person that I was 3 months ago, before all this started to happen, so I guess that I can understand her feelings. In fact because I've added more exercise, I feel better than 3 months ago. Really a confusing thing to get your head around. My mind says I'm blessed to have found it now before I do have symptoms. I only have to think about the cancer and not other things that it can cause, if left untreated. But my feelings are a confusing jumble of ups and downs. I know that Jenni feels like a person who was tricked into getting on a roller coaster, and has that feeling of dread, just before the first drop! Now you have to understand, I love roller coasters, but I really want off this one!

I kinda feel like a Hypochondriac. Going to the Dr. and to a major hospital and doing it feeling so good. I've never been one to go to the doctor. In fact, I had the test that found the M/M because my doctor knew he wouldn't get me back into the office anytime soon. He did a physical because "you won't be in again until I make you". It's feels crazy but I guess I need to use my head and follow those orders!

So.... not much to add to this blog except to say I'm waiting and I have no clue... I'll blog my results of the visit when it is done.

About having a US Marine Spirit

2009-11-24T20:27:00.000-08:00

I was on a bicycle ride today. For those of you who have read my previous blogs.. you know that's when I think. I'm still in the wait mode until December 11th for my first specialist visit in San Francisco. I'm getting into good shape, for what is to come. Now I really don't know how long of a time that will be. It could start right away.... or I guess up to several years. That time frame will be up to Dr. Martin...and the cancer, of course. My local oncologist told me to get in shape and keep in shape, for when I need it...to be ready. I'm following orders.

That brings my thoughts back to when I was an active duty Marine. We spent a LOT of time just being ready. Training in our jobs, staying in shape, keeping the mind and body ready for ??? It is the same now. What the future holds for me isn't in my hands. It is in myeloma's hands. I need to be ready for the fight. If I start that fight in December '09 or December 2012 I'll be ready.

I feel that God has reasons he puts you in situations. I was never a BIG guy. I wasn't an aggressive type. I never really played sports. Why did I CHOOSE the Marine Corps? Was I crazy, any other service would be easier!!! Well, Jenni lived in Yuma and the Marine base is in Yuma, that is in the duh category. But the Marine Corps taught me to work through whatever they threw at me. That was the exact words my oncologist used. Get in good shape and you will be ready for whatever I throw at you! Maybe that was also a reason I choose to be a Marine. Why God placed me there.

I know how to do this. I know how to stay focused on the task at hand. I know how to not get distracted, no matter how long I wait. THANK YOU to all the Marines who taught me those lessons! !! Who were hard on me, when in my weakness, when I wanted to quit. Who taught me if I worked hard, and didn't quit, they would be there helping me through the task. Just like now!!!!

I will stay ready, and fight when the time comes, just like a Marine.

The body is sick, but thanks to Jesus the soul is alive and well... Steven

Some of the waiting is done.

2009-11-18T08:28:00.000-08:00

I've got my appointment at UCSF on December 11, finally... Seems like it has been years since I was diagnosed with this MM. It really has only been just over one month. Jenni and I have made plans to go to San Francisco the night before, stay at a hotel and then the next day do our Christmas shopping, or whatever is left to do. Jenni is a major planner type person and buys stuff a little at a time starting in November. Jenni's been going to all my Dr. appointments. I kinda feel the reverse of when she was having our 2 kids. I wanted to go to each and every Dr. appointment with her. I wish she could come to my appts. for 9 months and then we could be done!!! It is nice having her there.

I've focused on the exercise thing really hard. Building those bones for when I get farther along with the cancer. I'm tracking my bike riding and I do Yoga on my "off" riding days. Jenni is getting me the Biggest Loser Boot Camp DVD so I can mix it up some. I'm feeling better than I have in a long time. That brings me back to where I am with the MM. It doesn't feel real! I know my numbers on the paper, I know what the Dr. said, I know that they wouldn't bother a MM specialist at UCSF with out it being real, but that being said.. shouldn't I "feel" something? No, my brain understands that I can have this and at this point have no symptoms. But my heart just wants it all to be a mistake. Don't get me wrong, I'm not depressed, not in denial, not scared... it is just a strange feeling to know your sick and feel this GOOD! I'll take this feeling good as long as God lets me.

I'll know more, I'm sure, after I get back on the 12. I'll blog on Friday night Dec. 11 what I have learned.

My MM friend Karyn is fighting hard and along with fighting it she has a major move to Texas soon. Keep her in your prayers. She is doing a good job working on the side effects of treatment. I hope I can follow her lead when the time comes.

That's about all for right now. I'l keep blogging as things happen etc..

The waiting continues...

2009-11-15T11:19:00.000-08:00

I'm still waiting for UCSF to call for my Bone Marrow Biopsy. I know that I'm only Stage 1, not high on the priority list, but I'm really not good at waiting. I have to call my oncologist every Monday morning until I have a date and time for the appointment. I really hope it is next week.

What I've done in the meantime is do research on Multiple Myeloma. Almost all the blogs and most of the web sites recommend you do that to get ready to start fighting. What I have found out is NOTHING is standard for this cancer. It is as different as each patient it attacks. Some patients are hit with bone lesions. Then there are the ones who have their kidneys fail, add to that the ones who's blood cells are compromised and they have anemia, to name a few. You can get these complications alone or in combinations. Then you read about the patients who respond very well to treatment and others that don't do so well. Each week there are patients who lose their fight with this cancer :-(

All that being said I do feel blessed to be stage 1. Most of the people's blogs I have read were diagnosed when they had one of the above symptoms. What I have learned is that, by the time the symptoms are there, you are way far along and bad things are already happening. I at least get the opportunity to start fighting, just the cancer, and not the bad things that happen when you are stage 3!!!

One thing I have discovered is a whole new idea of "manageable". I have heard a lot that this cancer is now manageable. It creates and image of a person who takes a pill or changes their diet and goes on happily with life. I have had a LOT of people who say things like " I have a friend, family member that has MM and they are managing it just fine". Now, that I have met people who have this cancer, I know it is not that simple. They are sick, very sick at times. Their reality of this cancer management is chemo therapy, radiation, bone marrow transplants, with all the yucky side effects. Being so tired that they can't even take a small walk outside. They have large IV's in their chests, all the time, for medication access, or they are on dialysis and that takes over their lives. The list of side effects is long and everyone I have met have, at least, has several of them. I have also caught myself saying those words to friends and family, "This is a very manageable cancer". You don't go into details and end it with a smile and confidence. I guess that is all you can do. They are doing their best to be supportive and uplifting. They don't need to understand and I guess it isn't very nice to frown and give them a reality check. If I did give them a reality check each time, I could see myself in a short time being very alone!!! Who wants to be around a person who does that!

Because of the above paragraph I have come to cherish the MM friends and bloggers I have found since I got diagnosed. I can understand where they are in their treatment and sometimes, just sometimes, give them back some small support. I know that the support will come back to me sooner or later. That is comforting... For me they aren't a downer, even though I wish I didn't have to get to where they are. It puts my mind where it needs to be, in reality. I can deal with the stuff I know about. I don't like surprises or false candy coating of the situation.

So I will continue to wait until I can go to UCSF. It will get here, soon enough.

A surprise

2009-11-09T12:19:00.000-08:00

Jenni and I have the best marriage of anybody I know. We really love and care for each other and have NEVER even got close to talking about real marriage problems. That being said I think we had come to a place where we were comfortable. As I start walking down this road, with Jenni, I have come to a realization... God is bringing us closer together, more than we have been together in a long time! Let me explain...

I had a low point at the first of last week and Jenni had a melt down at the end of the week. Read the previous blog posting. It was hard but it was necessary. A new friend of mine,Karyn, spoke of a book... "Five Love Languages". I'm not a reader... In fact the last book I sat down and read was about 15 years ago and it was a book on time and space...More a research book. Well I told Jenni about it she went and brought it home the next day. No surprise there as she reads everything she get her hands on. I said I wanted to read it. She gave me the “look”, you know the one I’m talking about.. “You have lost your mind and you really won’t do this”. “You haven’t read a book in 15 years, and that was a research book”!! So last Friday I got in my recliner and I started to read. I couldn’t put it down. As I read the book I started thinking about who I was, who Jenni was and how we handle our marriage. We started to talk, really talk like we haven't talked in years!

Our kids wanted to try a new church. It was in the evening from 5 to 7PM. I have to tell you the truth. You normally have to use dynamite to get me out of the house on Sunday evening. Jenni kept saying that “she wanted to go with the kids to the Stirring and that I didn’t have to come if I didn’t want to”. Well it is strange but I wanted to come. It never crossed my mind not to come. She thought that attitude was strange but she just smiled and enjoyed my decision to go.

He preached on relationships and feelings and how God set up marriage. I have heard the sermon dozens of times in our life together. This time it was different. It was new, and it was exciting. Jenni and I kept holding hands, looking at each other KNOWING God was teaching us something, right then and there!! Then he referenced the book “The Five Love Languages” and we both smiled, and chuckled at each other.

Now, I’m a Christian and do my best to follow my Savior each and every day. Most of the times he gently guides me on my way. Sometimes, not very often, he hits me right between the eyes with a brink. This was one of those times. What I told Jenni, once we got alone in the car after the service, was “I feel sorry for non-Christians because they never know the joy of understanding when God does something like this in their life”. I got Myeloma that caused me to meet Karyn who referenced a book. I don’t read but I stopped and read that book. We made some personal life changes because of the book. We then went to a new church and the pastor spoke about God, relationships and that BOOK! It all happened in about 5 days! It was crystal clear to me at least one thing God wants out of this. He wants a stronger, more loving, deeper relationship between Jenni and I. Who am I to argue with God?

Back to the diagnosis of Multiple Myeloma, I haven’t prayed for healing. I guess that would be the normal thing to do but I haven’t been lead down that path. What I pray for is that God would do something positive with the diagnosis. That he would use it, and me, for whatever “HE” had planned for this.

Although I’m not sure what God will bring to me with this cancer, I know that there has been and will continue to be a big positive from it. I will live that positive, with Jenni, for each and every day I have left…

PS.. I’m expecting it to be a LONG time…God willing.

My Husband Really Does Have MM (The Long Version)

2009-11-06T20:02:00.000-08:00

Hi, this is Jenni, Steve’s wife. I have my own family blog and I’ve thought about posting some of my feelings about Steve’s MM there, but it didn’t seem like the place for it. I also thought about starting another blog like Steve’s, a place for my thoughts about the diagnosis and what will come, but I don’t feel like I need a whole blog for that at the moment. So Steve said I could occasionally post here when/if I feel the need.

Be forewarned, I tend to write enough for a book sometimes, but it’s cathartic to get it on paper so kudos to anyone who reads this and makes it through to the end.

The “C” word is a funny animal. When I hear about someone I know who’s been diagnosed with some form of cancer, my first thought is how bad I feel for them; my immediate second thought (in all honesty) is I’m so glad it’s not me, or worse, someone in my immediate family! I have a friend whose husband has battled prostate cancer for the past year and a half or so. He’s doing well now, but is not out of the woods by any means. I have a past co-worker of mine who found he has Stage IV cancer in his colon, liver and lungs. He is in his 40’s with a young wife and 3 little boys about 7 and under. I can’t imagine… My aunt is in her 60’s with young grandchildren. She has but weeks, if not days, to live with a past breast cancer that has now spread to her lungs and brain. I hurt for them, I pray daily for them. And yet it hadn’t touched any closer to us than that, which was close enough for me.

But now it is someone even closer to me than an extended family member or a good friend. It’s my husband, the person closest to me, the main person that I’ve spent 30 years building my life around.

The “C” word has invaded our world. We’ve heard that you can live a long time with MM, but we’re learning that while that can be true, it can just as easily not be true. This is not a cancer that has a normal track record, it’s different for each person. It’s been hard knowing how to tell family and friends about it because in the beginning I told them what I felt was the truth, that it’s not that big of a deal, that “someday” we’ll have to deal with it but it’s very manageable for now. Then we realized that this may or may not be the case, but you don’t want to overreact and tell people it’s worse than it is so you reach a point where you almost don’t want to say much more about it other than, yes, he has MM, we’re doing fine with it at the moment, and that we’re still learning about the diagnosis.

So for now, we do more tests, learn what we can about where Steve is headed and try to find a new “normal.” For now, he’s symptom free and we vacillate between feeling like it’s not real, to feeling the reality of it all as we uncover more information about MM.

I’ve been feeling weirdly detached from emotion about it so far, like it was surreal, something happening to someone else. But this week, I finally had a meltdown that apparently had been building up for awhile, and Steve was the lucky recipient of it all.

I think for me, it was as though too many things had hit at once. Steve (working in the finance/banking industry in this lovely economy we’re in) has been laid off twice in a 2-year period, which obviously has been pretty stressfull all on it’s own! Neither of us had ever been laid off before and to say it’s unnerving is an understatement! The job loss also took our health insurance with it and we purchased a private policy of health insurance just 3 weeks before his MM diagnosis. We’re thankful for the insurance we almost decided against, but we’ve wondered, will it be enough for what’s to come?

Also during this 2-year period, he’s had a couple of episodes of health issues, first meningeal encephalitis about 18 months ago requiring hospitalization (this from someone who has hardly EVER been really sick in our 30 years of marriage), and now the MM diagnosis. Oh, and let’s not forget having to put our dog to sleep the same week as Steve's diagnosis. I think the MM diagnosis was the (very large) straw that broke the camel’s back for me. I had put my emotions and thoughts on the back burner for a few weeks and – kaboom! The dam broke.

As I told my son on a facebook email, I was feeling angry about the MM, the worry over not-so-great insurance possibilities, the job issue, etc., but I wasn’t sure whom I was angry with?

Was I angry with Steve? Some, which made absolutely no sense except that Steve has always been the one to help me “fix things” and neither the job situation nor the MM is something he can just fix.

Was I angry with God? Yes, I was.

Was I angry at myself? Yes, for feeling that way about Steve, God and my lack of stronger faith in the first place.

I’ve been dealing with God-anger issues occasionally for a few months now, watching job rejections come and go with employers never even getting to the interview stage. Steve had been job-hunting for well over a year at this point (most of it while he was on his last job that he knew was going to come to an end). Even with my prayers of faith in God, knowing that He had a plan, I was beginning to feel forgotten. But I stuffed that way down deep, kept praying and kept working on projecting faith. Then comes the MM diagnosis and the other night, during the big kaboom, I told Steve that while I know the Bible tells us we’re NOT forgotten and that HIS plan may not be MY plan, I was tired of hearing that. I was not able to believe that truth at that moment. I was also tired of hearing that we are so blessed, that we could be that co-worker, or my aunt, or…fill in the blank.

Don’t get me wrong, I know all of that is true in my head, but my heart just wasn’t on the same page at that point. It was so hard to know what was truly upsetting me because all of the issues (the MM, the job, the insurance, etc.) seemed like they were all rolled into one, big, messy ball of “stuff.” I just couldn’t sort it out.

My son’s answer on facebook to me was: “Does God have a plan? Yes, but the bigger truth is one that I have struggled with over the past couple years, but it’s just true, which is that our lives are meant to glorify God regardless of our circumstances. Difficulty and pain are part of the human experience, and they are used to help us identify with Christ, who endured great suffering for the sake of God’s plans. It is okay to have anger with God, as long as at the end of the day we lean on Christ to get us through to the other side. I think for living with the understanding that God does NOT promise good things will happen in our life has helped me deal with my struggles, because all HE really promises us is that if we seek Him, we will find Him, and especially when that’s all we have.”

I’m learning things about myself, not necessarily good things and not necessarily things I wanted to learn. I am impatient. I want it my way. And I really, really don’t like relying on God to reveal a plan to me when I think I have a better plan. And yet, now that I’m more sane again, I know that having me in charge would have the makings of a disaster and I can appreciate that God DOES indeed know what he is doing, even if I don’t understand it.

Today, I’m better for the “kaboom.” And, Steve survived it too. ;) Actually, it opened up some good discussion with us, paved the way for us to draw closer about all the things I’ve had building up in me. And I think God might still love me too, even though. Because the Bible tells me so.

I’m working on appreciating my life again, on giving it back to Him, letting Him call the time frames on Steve’s MM, Steve’s job search, and everything that happens in our lives. I’m learning lessons I didn’t want to learn, but that God has seen fit to teach me.

My son gave his first sermon a few weeks ago and at the end of it, he played “Untitled Hymn,” by Chris Rice, a favorite of mine. But when I heard it that Sunday, it spoke in a stronger way to me. The words are:

Weak and wounded sinner, Lost and left to die,
O, raise your head, for love is passing by,
Come to Jesus, Come to Jesus, Come to Jesus and live!

Now your burden's lifted, And carried far away,
And precious blood has washed away the stain,
So sing to Jesus, Sing to Jesus, Sing to Jesus and live!

And like a newborn baby, don't be afraid to crawl,
And remember when you walk, sometimes we fall...
So fall on Jesus, Fall on Jesus, Fall on Jesus and live!

Sometimes the way is lonely, And steep and filled with pain,
So if your sky is dark and pours the rain,
Then Cry to Jesus, Cry to Jesus, Cry to Jesus and live!

O, and when the love spills over, And music fills the night,
And when you can't contain your joy inside,
Then dance for Jesus, Dance for Jesus, Dance for Jesus and live!

And with your final heartbeat, Kiss the world goodbye,
Then go in peace, and laugh on Glory's side,
And fly to Jesus, Fly to Jesus, Fly to Jesus and live!

I know that without Him, we are weak and wounded, lost, but the victory is in Him. In this world, which will have it’s share of joy and sorrow, strength and pain, we can fall on Him. We’re here to live for Jesus, show His love, and then someday fly to Him as He promises. When it’s our turn.

I know because the Bible tells me it’s so.

And for right now, today, so does my heart.

It hit me...

2009-11-02T12:33:00.000-08:00

Don't know why it was today... Except I read a blog that was linked from Karyn's blog site where Andre had just passed away from this cancer. I'm sitting here with wet eyes and thinking about how hard this must be for the ones he left behind.

I guess it had to happen sooner or later. I guess now is as good a time as any. It does make me want to get up and go do something to help them. Give them a hug.. However; they live in Washington state, that's a long drive!!!

I guess I'll go on a bike ride and put all this together in my head. Bike riding is also good processing time for this kinda stuff.

I'm back from the ride...

Sorry for the self pity moment. I was going to just delete it and go on but I promised myself this blog would be honest. So here is the truth...

I went on a bike ride last Friday. It was the longest one yet and my fastest ride yet. I was feeling mighty smug... I can do this on my own... HEY everybody look at me!!! I was tired.. I knew I needed a rest day so on Saturday I rested... But that wasn't all... Pancakes in the morning, BIG lunch and a killer dinner. Then Sunday hit... Pizza for lunch, cake and beer at my son's house, snacks and a BIG dinner. This morning I got up and it all showed on the scale. I was fairly down on myself. But hey... I'm the guy with cancer who would fault me for taking a break!!!

I don't know why I read Andre's blog... I just felt I had to. My eyes watered up and I knew I needed to get on the road. There are 2 hills on the ride I choose. Not big hills but I hate hills so they are a challenge. I bet I said "fight" to myself a thousand times up those 2 hills. I knew, at that point, it wasn't that I just took a break from fighting this weekend... I was trying to do this on my own. I can't do this by myself. I need the Lord to be there with his strength.

It is going to be easy to fight when I feel good. When I'm rested and ready to go. It is easy to feel smug when I'm feeling self important. But with my limited strength I will fail. When things get tough and I need a break... nobody will fault me for that. The only one that I will let down is myself, and my God. I will work hard to trust the Lord and rely on his strength. He said he will be there for me. He just spend the last 3 days proving it to me!

Numbers on a piece of paper….and the hill to climb.

2009-10-30T08:21:00.000-07:00

Now that I’ve had some time to think about all this cancer stuff, I had a question for myself. What is this cancer all about for me? I was on a bicycle ride (lots of time to think) and I was preparing to climb my first hill of the day and it came to me. This cancer stuff is just numbers on a piece of paper. I have studied cancer and can tell you a lot about how it happens, how it grows and spreads, what it does to the body etc…. But for me, right now, it is just numbers.

I physically feel like I always have, in some cases better. I’m back to riding my bike, doing yoga, eating right and getting my weight to where it needs to be, within 10 lbs of goal. I have lot of energy, a very positive outlook and I’m happy.

I also really need to know what the next step is. I need to know that there is a hill to climb so I can mentally prepare. That keeps my mind right and allows me to get ready for the climb. I’m really not good with surprises. I really hate surprise parties! I get manic when faced with a surprise. Like when I first heard about multiple Myeloma from Jenni on the phone. I had never heard of it before. I was just having her Google high “M” protein. She told me and I went manic right away because I needed to know more… NOW!!!

I guess I should be scared at some level. The things coming down road will be hard. A bone marrow biopsy, bone marrow harvesting, pills to keep my bones strong, chemo, maybe radiation and finally a bone morrow transplant. It should scare me but it just doesn’t. I guess it is the Marine, firefighter and cyclist in me. I have faced some really hard physically demanding stuff in the past and I did it all. I faced the challenges and came through them just fine. It has made me who I am and I’m good with that.

It all might change when this cancer starts being more than numbers. When I start getting tired, having bone issues or having kidney problems etc.. I might get scared and need to grab an arm, from the people in my life. I know the arms will be there and that brings me peace. I know I’m blessed in that area of my life.

So, I have a plan in my mind. I now know where it is all headed. Some of it will be hard, some just a daily routine. But I know the hill is there and I’m getting ready for the climb. Luckily I’m not doing the climb alone. I have a team riding with me, my God, my wife, my family, old and new friends.

God is showing me what is important. It’s not the numbers on a piece of paper. It isn’t the hard road that is out there someplace. It is the peace that I have knowing when I need others, they will be there.. Helping me up the hill…

Tough as nails, practically indestructible & the inconvenient truth

2009-10-28T09:15:00.000-07:00

First; let’s just talk about the facts that we know right now. I have cancer, Multiple Myeloma, Stage 1. All my physical findings were good to great… No “body” problems, kidney’s working well, bones strong, no blood related issues etc. The only bad test results were the cancer related proteins and they were ALL HIGH. That is what caused the diagnosis. So the cancer is active and doing what it does, producing proteins and growing. So what are my next steps? First I have been referred to UCFS for an evaluation and a Bone Marrow Biopsy. They might have me do that locally or the same day I go to SF, we have to wait until they call for that decision. I don’t know when that will be scheduled yet. Because this cancer thumps the immune system I have to get up to date on all my shots. I’ll set that up today with Dr. Civilier. Then after the UCSF appointment I go on a drug to keep my bones strong. Then I get watched… I will have to have a bone marrow transplant. When I have that depends on how fast the cancer progresses. That can’t be determined for some time, so we wait. It could be a long time away.

That being said, what is my prognosis? There isn’t a cure… Dr. Feeman said the average life span, based on a bell curve, is 10 years. So, ½ the patients don’t make it to 10 years, some a lot less, ½ the patients live longer than 10 years, some a lot longer. I won’t know where I will fall until I know the pace of the cancer. The pace is already “pre-determined” so there is nothing I can do to speed it up or slow it down. I can do things to help my body prevent, or slow, the damage done by the cancer. Follow Dr. orders, get into good physical share, eat well and watch my weight.

How do I physically feel? Great.. there are NO symptoms yet. It is all test results. I do what I have always done, then add some physical activity and watch my diet. Other than that all is as it was before I was diagnosed. One thing Dr. Freeman said was concerning my hospitalization for my meningeal enchephilitis. He said the reason I got so sick was probably the Myeloma… That tells me I have had this for some time. I need to prevent getting sick the best I can (while still enjoying my life and family). Wash my hands more etc.

How do I feel emotionally? Since my enchephilitis I have had a saying: I’m tough as nails, practically indestructible…(my family usually roll their eyes as soon as it is said). I have to ask myself, what does that mean and do I believe it or do I just say it? Well, I do believe it so what does it mean. It means when things are hard, and I have stuff to do, I do it anyway. My first thought was “I have cancer!! Take care of me, fix it”. Then after a short time of self-pity I realized that just wasn’t me. I have a family to take care of.. lawns to mow, ceiling fans to install, appliances to fix, grand children to take care of etc.. I just have this inconvenient truth of cancer in my life. I can let it take over my life or I can do what I have always done and take care of what needs to get done. I know I have a fight on my hands. No problem, I was a US Marine and I know how to fight. I know I will have to deal with this, I will. This fight is mine and mine alone. I can’t expect Jenni, my kids or friends & family to do it for me. I can fight and I will fight. Fighting is a verb so they will see me doing the stuff discussed above. I’ll just add it to my list of things to do. It will all get done! I’m a very lucky person. I have my God, my wife, my family and friends to help me through this. I will take that help, when needed.

Mostly I have God in my life. He will never test me beyond what I can handle. I take comfort in that. He has the plan and I will trust that plan and keep being TOUGH As NAILS PRACTICALLY INDESTRUCTIBLE!!!

The first blog...

2009-10-26T12:41:00.000-07:00

This is the first installment to my blogging. I'm going to record my thoughts and feelings during my walk with Multiple Myeloma. I have made a friend on Facebook that has stage 3 and she said it would be a good idea to do this. She should know... She also has a great blog ( http://managingmyeloma.blogspot.com/ ) check it out and add her to your prayer list.. My goal is to be as honest and up front as much as I can. No fluff, no craziness, just honest feelings and fears etc. so here goes.

This all started because my doctor, David Civilier, required me to do a blood test for a renewal of my high blood pressure medication. I went into the Dr. feeling GREAT. A few days later his nurse called and I was off and going.. Additional blood tests, Urine tests, x-rays etc. The second batch of tests are done and I'm waiting until tomorrow at 5:00 to find out.

Talking about tomorrow. There are a LOT of things I can hear. It could be MGUS, the benign form (for now), or stage 1 or 2. Now I go from thinking "it is just MGUS" to "Stage 1" and then my knee hurts and I think "stage 2"!! I really don't have ANY facts to support any of these guesses. It will all come down to what the tests say. Like Dr. Freeman said "we will just deal with facts".

I have obsessed with finding out as much as I can about this disease. My oncologist is Dr. Freeman, great guy with a great reputation, told me to spend some time on the internet learning. No problem with that!!! You can really scare yourself with some sites but most are helpful.

I found a good Facebook connection ( Multiple Myeloma Research Foundation ), and met a friend Karyn. She has been more help than I can ever express here on the blog. She is the person I spoke about with Stage 3. I pray for her each and every day. She can cut through some of the fluff I put out, and say the right thing. Things I need to hear... I don't think she knows that about our interactions but it's true.

I'm not really scared about this. Kinda just reacting like a sore ankle or my high blood pressure. It's there but not really a problem. I guess that could change tomorrow. I hope not.. I find myself focusing on riding my bike, eating right and watching my calcium intake. Don't think any of that will help in the short run, but it makes me feel like I'm doing SOMETHING!!!

My short term goal is to not wake up thinking about it...thinking about it all day, having it be my last thought before I go to sleep and waking up in the middle of the night with it on my mind. Does that mean I'm really scared? I don't know.. But I don't feel scared. I guess not obsessing will come with time. As far as my long term feelings go on this, I think I'll do what I have always done. Buck it up, be a US Marine and take care of my family and friends..

A saying keeps coming into my head when I get obsessed with this : God never promised you tomorrow, his gift is today, now go do something with it... I don't know if I heard that someplace or God just put it in my brain... It doesn't matter because it brings me back to reality..

I'll blog my results on Wednesday...